Juggernaut
by Miss Objection
Summary: That's how I describe life. Shaped by external forces over which I have no control. Dealing with Edward and Esme's deaths hasn't been easy... But so has dealing with alien feelings for a certain someone. I never meant to fall in love.
1. Chapter 1

_**Disclaimer: I do not own anything in the Twilight saga; if I did, I wouldn't be writing here, but publishing yet more books....**_

The sleek silver Volvo streaked across the Dartmouth parking lot and made a beeline for the empty parking space just next to the stunning yellow Porsche. I hit the brake just in time, parking the car precisely in the slot, and marvelling how my control over it seemed to have exponentially improved. I shoved myself out the car, shaking my head at Alice, the Porsche owner. You really had to have some nerve to show up at College driving that thing.

I pulled my leather jacket tighter around me, and cast a sour glance skyward, at the thickening clouds which promised nothing but rain in the coming hours. In fact, I made it across the lawn and inside the building before the first droplets announced the beginning to what was sure to be a lengthy thunderstorm. I reached class a couple of minutes late, but by some stroke of luck, the lecturer who took the class had just arrived himself and was in the process of shuffling papers on his desk, as I entered the classroom in a whirlwind.

International law session ticked by slowly, and an hour later found me headed to the library to attempt finishing the paper I had to write on Aristotelian ethics, before I headed to my next class – double session criminal law.

I soon found the research book I had been looking for, and luckily spotted Alice and Jasper seated at a desk in the posh library, close to each other, Alice leaning against her husband as she wrote.

My face broke into a fond smile, as I approached what you could call practically my family, and for the first time that day I found myself relaxing. Being late always skyrocketed my stress levels, I guess I was just lucky I had these two to chill me out; one of them quite literally.

"Hey," I told them as I settled on the same table. I stared at Alice somewhat incredulously, as I took in her new Dolce and Gabbana specs perched on her nose.

"_Why_ are you wearing glasses?"

This was a first. I never thought that perfect vampire vision would ever feel the need to resort to corrective specs.

My pixie-like sister looked up at me shrewdly and grinned.

"It helps to blend in," she winked.

I gave a derisive snort.

So she waltzed in with her movie-star of a husband, looking a hundred times more stunning than any model on any runway would ever hope to, wearing clothes which seemed to be just out of the latest vogue (which probably were, anyway) and showed up every morning driving that Porsche probably better than a race-car driver.

And she wanted to blend in.

Sure.

She looked smugly at me and pointed out her tongue.

I laughed at her. You really had to love her. Even though at times, she exasperated me to no end, with her constant attacks on my hair and forcing clothes and make up on me.

But I loved her, her husband and the rest of the family, like they were my own. I was one of them. Even if I was still only human.

I soon settled down with philosophy and after a while of huffing, page turning, frowning and writing, I noticed her eyes studying me.

I looked up, to meet her gaze, only to find her looking at me like that again. This behaviour had been going on for a while now and had started to not only increase my suspicions, but was about to drive me insane. And it didn't help that Jasper chose precisely that moment to give me an identical expression.

"_What_?" I huffed impatiently as I stared back almost indignantly.

Jasper excused himself, muttering something about needing to go look for a book. Alice arranged her features carefully into innocent inquisitiveness.

"What is it, Bella?"

"Why are you both looking at me like that?"

She didn't let up.

"Like what?"

"I don't know, like doubtful; like you don't know whether to be happy, excited, worried about me, or that you think I might just sprout another head or something," I trailed off, still looking at her.

She shrugged, but I could tell she was hiding a smile.

"It's nothing," she said, going back to her notepad.

"It wouldn't be nothing, since you have been ogling me for like days now. I'm beginning to feel guilty, without actually knowing what I did."

She laughed her melodious tinkling laugh.

"Well?" I pressed.

Her only response was a maddening knowing look on her face.

I stared at her for a couple of seconds when it finally hit me.

"Oh, wait," I began, "you've Seen something, haven't you?"

"Well, you have always been so perceptive, so I guess I can tell you this: yes I've seen something, but that's all you're getting from me."

"Oh? And is it a good vision, or a bad vision? You can actually tell me right, if I'm about to be sucked dry by a couple of deranged vampires?"

"Well I t doesn't really have any danger element in it, though I wouldn't know whether to consider it good."

"So it involves me? Why can't you just tell me?"

"Because, I might change the course the future is taking, and I'm not sure I want to do that."

"Wait," I stopped her, feeling somewhat confused. "So you're not sure if it's a good thing, and yet, you don't want to change the course of the future?"

"Well, I just want to see it played out as it should. If I interfere I may do more harm than good. Don't worry Bella, I've told no one and you will find out sooner or later."

I stared at her.

"But Jasper knows, right?"

"Jasper also has his own ways of seeing things," she replied, defensively.

"So it involves emotional stuff, then." It wasn't a question, more like a silent musing.

Alice shrugged mysteriously and I knew it was close enough, in fact.

I returned to my essay, but by now my concentration was diverted entirely to this new puzzle. So Alice had seen something, and Jasper was in on it but by his usual curious way of reading the emotions of those around him. So probably he read something in me, which corroborated Alice's vision. I had no idea what feeling I may have felt lately which held such singular Implications.

I shrugged mentally, just as Jasper, who had returned quietly to the table, announced that it was time for me to leave for my next lecture. They had another hour in the library.

The vision was pushed to the back of my mind as I tried to concentrate, and it soon disappeared from conscious thought as I went about my day. I knew my mind was still working on it, trying to find an explanation which fit the bill. I could get like this at times, so stubborn and relentless, and I knew I probably was not going to relax until I found out. Whether I figured it out myself, or coaxed it out in some way out of Alice. Which was not probable, anyhow.

The storm had thankfully, let up a little, and there were specks of glittering sunlight on the Volvos windshield. The drive home was unexpectedly short. Sure, my mind was preoccupied these days with all sorts of problems that it was almost like my car drove itself back to our recently renovated luxurious home, on the outskirts. Incidentally as I turned into our road, I glimpsed the shiny executive Mercedes, pulling into the drive and my breath habitually caught in my throat.

It was the guaranteed and expected reaction, whenever he was around. Carlisle had always commanded my greatest respect and was full of admiration toward him. We had grown to be the best of friends and each other's shelter. I had come to love him like an older brother, respect him like the great leader he was, revel in his wisdom and admire his profound compassion. However lately, the vast array of feelings I was able to feel for the devastatingly handsome doctor, had now taken a new turn, to my everlasting embarrassment. To be exact, I was starting to become aware that I had actually been accumulating these feelings for a while now. I remember being instantly attracted to him from the very first day I met him in the ER. And however much I tried to tamp it down furiously, knowing that a relationship between us was practically unthinkable, I knew that feeling this way toward him, when he was a vampire was no option. For there was no way I could disguise the tell tale sign of increased pulse rate, and the rush of blood to my cheeks whenever he flashed me the tiniest of smiles or winked. I shuddered at thought of him getting an idea of what was going on in my mind. Even if he couldn't read minds like Edward used to, vampires have an acute sense of perception a thousand times sharper than was human.

I chided myself at my pathetic school-girl crush, as I parked my car in its usual spot and watched him come out of his Mercedes. He grinned at me as he fetched out his black doctor's bag from the passenger door.

It wasn't that I was trying to avoid him or anything, which is what I would actually do, had I not been so close to Carlisle. The fact was that almost every evening, sometimes late into the night when I couldn't sleep, would find us in his study in the window seat or at his desk talking about everything and nothing; and it was those moments where I felt truly whole again, and that what I was doing was actually the right thing.

I felt at _home_.

For I was serving purpose by talking to him and keeping him company, just as much as he was doing me a favour by talking to me.

So why was it suddenly so different? You'd think that after all those long months, well years, of close friendship we had together, I wouldn't tense up and feel so ridiculously self conscious as he looked deep into my eyes and smiled.

You'd think I'd be used to his god-like beauty and perfection in every aspect, by now.

But instead it was as if I was discovering it all over again.

As I made my way upstairs, having shared small conversation with him on our way in, realization hit me with the force of a battering ram. I froze dead in my tracks my hand stiff on the doorknob to my room.

Feeling conscious of the empty hall behind me, and that he probably could make out my sudden erratic breathing, even from downstairs, I swung the door open abruptly and went inside clumsily, slamming the door shut.

Alice.

That explains it. She saw something in my future which somehow involved Carlisle. That explained how Jasper could contribute to the story because he probably felt the conflict raging inside me.

Heat swarmed around my body as I rested my head against the door, my hand still fisted around the doorknob and stared unseeingly at my room, trying to recall her exact words from this morning, at the library.

_Well I t doesn't really have any danger element in it, though I wouldn't know whether to consider it good…_

So she probably was as shocked as I am when she discovered that I was lusting after a man they all considered a father figure.

Suddenly I felt sick to the stomach.

What the hell is the matter with you Bella?

It was true he was only twenty three, just barely two years older than me, but it was not the maturity which was keeping me at bay. It was that this man was the embodiment of perfection to my mind, and that he was a family man, a coven leader, a compassionate doctor, and an inspirational mind. Someone who, in short, deserved so much better than a person like me. This apart from the inherent problem that he was also a father figure to the late love of my life, Edward. How could I have possibly developed such a crush on a person which was originally meant to be my father in law? The fact that he wasn't Edward's biological father meant little difference.

I had to get out of here. Go somewhere for a long time. I felt unworthy to be with them, it felt like after all they had done for me, I was overstaying my welcome by desiring the one thing that could never be mine. Suddenly I felt like a very selfish person.

"Bella?"

He was calling me.

I was still resting against the door, shell-shocked at this new revelation.

"Bella? You there?"

I cracked the door open.

"Uh, yeah I'm up here!"

I cringed at how false my voice sounded just then.

"Would you like something for dinner? I can fix you something."

"Oh! It's ok, I got it thanks!"

"Sure? I have free time on my hands."

"I'll deal with it, thanks anyways."

"Sure, no problem."

Actually, I wasn't even sure if I was hungry or not. What mattered at the moment was that I had to steer clear of Carlisle until I pulled myself together at the very least. Perhaps all those talking sessions had better stop after all. I was sure that it would never feel the same with him now. I literally growled as I shrugged out of my jacket and flung it across the room, only for it to land on the edge of the bed.

Ugh.

Trust me to go and screw up everything. I couldn't even trust myself to play it down, I was a terrible actress. With that in mind, I took a hot shower, washing away the day and trying albeit unsuccessfully to relieve the tension in my muscles. I put on my favourite grey sweatpants and white t shirt, pulled up my hair into a messy ponytail and settled down with my laptop to look for study programs which Dartmouth was offering abroad.

That was that. He was downstairs with free time on his hands. Deep down, I knew that had matters been 'normal' I would have gone down to him to keep him company, which would have been the polite thing to do, but I was too much of a coward. I just couldn't embarrass myself that way.

Yeah, I was being childish.

But I just needed to _think_.

_Ok, I should probably tell him at least that I'm busy with something._

I went to the door, opened it a fraction of an inch (almost as if I was afraid he'd come in if I opened it all the way) and called him in normal speaking volume, not needing to raise my voice.

"Um, Carlisle?"

"Yes?" he called back softly.

"Uh, just to tell you that I have to work on a Philosophy paper, um, I'll be in my room if you need something."

"Sure," he called back from the base of the staircase.

It was true that I absolutely had to finish that damned ethics paper, since I had made minimal progress this morning in the library, and whilst I originally had no intention whatsoever, to work on it, the moment the words came out of my mouth, it immediately sounded like an excellent idea.

Nothing quite like complicated thought to get your mind off things.

How ironic was that.

And so, to my relief, I found myself absorbed in my work, seated at my desk with my legs curled under me, my headphones plugged in listening to music, and vaguely aware of the thunderstorm which had picked up again outside, the rain pattering insistently against my window.

So the sudden soft knocking at my door gave me quite a start.

Uh oh.

In the split second I hesitated, Alice's voice came through.

"Bella?"

"Oh, hi Alice, come on in!"

I probably sounded more relieved than the occasion warranted.

The door opened softly and she ghosted in.

She was instantly seated on the bed just next to my desk, looking at me with a sceptical expression on her face.

I longed to tell her everything I had realized, but at the same time quite terrified at admitting anything. Saying aloud that I had a crush on Carlisle would make the matter more realistic, would finalize the issue and would somehow make it more insurmountable. Not a good idea if I hoped to fight it down.

However, the knowing look on Alice's face told me that she had probably already seen what I had been brooding upon in my room; and this open secret stuff was starting to annoy me.

"Do you want to talk about it?" her wind-chime voice said softly.

I took a look at her, my face probably betraying a guilty conscience.

Her eyes were filled with concern, but at the same time there was something else as well-understanding, perhaps? There was also slight amusement, which could be identified with the twinkle which lit up her beautiful face.

"Look, I don't know what it is exactly you saw, nor do I want to find out, but Alice you have to know that anything of the sort cannot happen."

I said this in a rush, not taking my eyes off the essay I was writing.

Her silence made me look up however.

She was studiously concentrating, a look of puzzled bemusement on her face.

"Why not?"

_Wait, what?_

I sighed deeply.

"Ok, why don't you start exactly with your vision? Not that I would _want_ to know, but I want to make sure we're on the same wavelength here."

She looked hesitant.

"Oh come on, how bad can it be?"

I sounded like I was trying to talk myself into putting my mind at rest. I _wanted_ her to say that it was nothing really; nothing to worry about, and that everything could change easily.

"I'm not going to give you any details, but I know you have figured out that it involves you and Carlisle…in a relationship."

I closed my eyes. Though it certainly was no news to me, it made me shudder inwardly.

"Don't go," went on Alice.

"What?" I replied, confused.

"You're planning to go away somewhere," she said frowning. "Don't."

I swivelled my chair around to face her, trying not to look too exasperated at her.

"And why not? I need to spend some time away to collect my thoughts. He is totally out of my league! Look, please don't tell me you agree with this or something! I feel like…ugh a pervert for crying out loud!"

"He needs you."

"Well, he needs a friend, certainly! I know I do too. And this is what I hate about all this! Here I was, happy that I found a person with whom I can talk and to whom I could listen for any length of time, happy that he actually trusted me enough to get a load off his chest, and I had to go and ruin everything with my stupid feelings! I can't deceive him, Alice!"

"Aren't you forgetting something?"

I probably looked bewildered.

"What might that be?"

"His feelings."

"Please be more specific."

"All you seem to account for is how you feel about all this; you keep beating yourself up over just your perspective. Don't you want to know what he thinks? Don't you think that maybe, he might reciprocate what you feel for him?"

Alice had a mysterious look in her eyes.

I was literally dumbfounded, and stared at her for a full 10 seconds.

"What?" I finally murmured, incredulously. "No, that's Impossible! I mean, how can I possibly compare next to him? Hell, I even felt out of place with Edward, let alone with Carlisle! More than that, what can I possibly have to offer him? It's one thing to be a shoulder to cry on, but quite another to be in _that_ kind of a relationship!"

But Alice was shaking her head.

"You're overanalysing, Bella! You keep thinking what he's thinking, but all you have to do is leave it up to him! How can you guess what _he_ thinks of _you_?"

This rendered me quite speechless for a few seconds.

I gaped.

"Because, because, I don't know!" I stammered. "I guess, I see us as an unlikely pair."

"Look," she said. "I'm not asking you to do anything. In fact, I'm just telling you to go about your business as usual. Let things run their own course. You see? Just by knowing of my vision has already ruined the matter as it is! You know my visions are very subjective anyways. Don't put too much weight to them. Bella, I don't want you to start avoiding him, just because you think you're not worthy of him. We've told you time and time again. You see, if I hadn't said anything this morning, right now you would be down there talking to him!" she finished dramatically, pointing her hand toward to door to indicate Carlisle's general direction.

"Alice, are you telling me it doesn't bother you to see me and him together? Like _together_, together?" I was quite amazed at her reaction.

Alice only looked bewildered.

"Why should it bother me?" she sounded mystified.

"Well, obviously because, because he's…. Carlisle! He's your father figure! I'm supposed to look like a daughter to him, or something! I know you're not actually related and he's not that much older than me, but it's so unconventional, it doesn't _feel_ right!"

"So you're worried because it's unconventional? Tell me something, what part of our family _is_ conventional?"

I was speechless again. I had to admit she had a point there. It was not every day you came across a coven of vegetarian vampires, who wished humans the best of health, and who lived together as a family for better or for worse, with millions of dollars to their name.

"I think it would be pretty selfish of you if you stopped being a friend to him, because of your insecurities," she went on, sending me even deeper into my uncomfortable silence.

"Well, I was trying to rebut my insecurities. It's just that, now that I'm aware where all this could end up, I'm not sure of it anymore."

Alice gave me a piercing look.

"Just tell me this," she began "do you like him?"

"What's not to like? He's…he's _perfect_ you know? That's the whole problem."

"I think we both know that it's not his perfection which is deterring you."

"You're right; it's my total unworthiness and incapability to match up to him."

Alice sighed in exasperation.

"You're Impossible! I think you know that the only reason you're doing this is because you're too nervous to face it! Besides, if you two do get together, you will soon become one of us and will be as 'capable' as any of us, as you so delicately put it."

"Aargh," I groaned in frustration.

I just knew she was right. I suddenly felt overwhelmed with all the information, and felt the inexplicable need to sleep. Perhaps it was now the processing phase. The data was all entered and now it was my mind's turn to process it.

I sighed, resting my head on the palm of my head and staring unfocused at the screensaver playing out on my laptop screen.

"Look, I'll just sleep on it tonight. I know I'll feel better by morning. "

Alice swiftly came to me and hugged me tightly.

"Listen; don't worry too much about it. You know how my visions work. This could be nothing at all, just because I've seen it doesn't guarantee that it's going to happen. It will only happen if you want it to, Bella."

I nodded tiredly, appreciating the soothing effect of the Implication of Alice's words.

I glanced at the time, realizing that my stomach had been growling for the past few minutes. I was not sure I wanted to see him just yet however. Who knows what klutziness might present itself, in his presence, especially in this state of mind?

"Uh, Alice, do you feel like going somewhere with me? I just need to get out of the house for a while, get some dinner."

Her face brightened up and she gave me one of her mischievous smiles.

"Let's get out of here," she said and breezed to my closet, yanking the door open and going inside.

I groaned loudly, in protest.

"Let's not make it a fashion show, shall we?"

Alice popped her head out and looked at me innocently.

"What fashion show? I was merely picking out your change of clothes…here."

She threw three pieces at me: my newest boot-cut jeans, and charcoal twin-set. She danced back in and came out with a black knit scarf and shiny black Christian Louboutin stilettos.

"Then you could put on this morning's leather jacket. I love it on you."

With that, she hurried right out of the room and into hers, opposite the hall, before I could open my mouth to argue.

The look was in my style of course, but a bit over the top, considering that I just wanted to go out in jacket and sweat pants and sneakers and head to the nearest take-away.

Apparently, my Imp of a sister had other plans in mind.

Half an hour later we were both dressed up, Alice in a navy blue jacket, jeans which were a tad lighter shade than mine and black high heeled boots, our hair done, and I had to subject myself to some light make up.

Knowing we had to inform Carlisle of our plans, I felt a bit hesitant, not to mention nervous, as we walked down stairs. He was seated in the living room with Rosalie, both reading, but instantly flashed us that heartbreaking smile as he watched us come downstairs. I tried not to think of myself falling flat on my face in a trademark moment of clumsiness. Although, I was quite proud of myself that I had grown out of such absurd habits. His eyes lingered somewhat in our general direction.

"Off to somewhere?" he asked.

I wasn't sure if he addressed me.

Alice however came to my rescue.

"I'm taking Bella out for some dinner, Carlisle. I'll keep her safe!"

I inwardly rolled my eyes.

Altogether it was a pleasant evening with Alice, after having had delicious Italian dinner, and visited an Irish pub downtown, then taken a long drive during which my mind lapsed back on to the matter which so far had been successfully driven out my conscious thoughts.

I snuggled down more comfortably in the Porsche's front seat and closed my eyes, resting my head back. Images of Carlisle swam involuntarily across my head; namely when he gave me my favourite smile, that twinkle in his eye, and the curve of his mouth and a flash of white teeth.

_He doesn't even know how awesomely gorgeous he is._

Of course, that fact alone made him if possible, even more alluring. It was like he thought absolutely nothing of his good looks, and just looking like that was just second nature to him. He wasn't even aware of how he took any female's breath away just by being in the same room.

Sometimes I literally had to pinch myself to rouse myself from these feelings. This was Carlisle I was fantasizing about!

Why, WHY was I realizing all this now? It's not like it's the first time I'm seeing him, for heaven's sake! But it really did seem like it was the first time, every time I laid eyes on him. I could never get enough of looking at him.

The funny thing was that at the moment, in Alice's car being away from him, made me feel weird. I couldn't exactly put my finger on it, but the more I felt it the more I became aware what it was: loneliness. It was as if he made me feel whole with him being in my mere vicinity.

888

(ONE WEEK LATER)

Chatting with my mother was often hilarious. It was funny how a measly hour sharing our escapades of the day, had the power to alter my mood quite significantly. The things she could get into! At the moment she was travelling around the country again with Phil, apparently things were going excellent between them; I never really knew my mother could be this content. She was always so dedicated towards keeping a house for me, decorating it and fussing about it, barely caring about herself. But Phil, and the fact that I was at an Ivy League college, being taken care of by a family who loved me like practically their own, gave her more time on her hands and she seemed alight with happiness. Something which delighted me to no end. My mother's moods whatever they were always influenced my own. Almost like I was some sort of antenna picking up her mood changes every now and then.

I couldn't keep finding excuses to not visit Carlisle in his study in the evenings. It wasn't as if we had fixed appointments to meet up, but I knew he looked forward to our conversations, to spending time talking about anything and everything. Though the first two days, I spent as a nervous wreck, I knew I had to embrace reality and just act normal, otherwise he was going to start to suspect something.

I had more or less gotten over my tension at my feelings for him. Though they were stubbornly there, simmering just below the surface, I was very glad to find that I was able to actually talk to Carlisle without blushing a delicate shade of red.

Possibly also with a bland expression on my face which quite probably made me look like I had been clubbed on the head.

But it didn't matter. At least I was capable of coherent conversation, speaking of which, I was lately starting to discuss with him the most complicated of matters, which had the main purpose of distracting me from having less than innocent thoughts about the incredibly sexy doctor who strangely enough, seemed to enjoy nothing more than spending time with me, whatever I talked about really.

_Hmm, that's what infinite time on your hands did to you._

Tonight found us in his study once again, and the subject towards which I steered the discussion was whether psychology as devised for humans worked also for vampires. I really didn't know where I was coming up with all these complicated issues, but they managed to serve the underlying purpose. It was, nevertheless an insanely interesting subject, and I listened avidly as Carlisle expressed his views and explained carefully everything he knew.

"It differs on certain counts," he was saying, as I was seated at his window seat, watching him speak as he lounged casually on an armchair. It was late and I had no signs of sleep whatsoever. And it looked like none were coming, since my mind was so busy trying to preoccupy myself sufficiently in what he was saying and trying not to think along the lines of how sexy he looked in a navy Lacoste polo-shirt.

"Mostly it centers on the fact that humans have different motivations than vampire kind, even if such motivations are still present in our kind."

"Mhm," I mumbled thoughtfully. "You mean bloodlust?"

"Well yes, that changes things," he said, sounding almost apologetic. He stopped talking and fixed his eyes on me.

I nodded thoughtfully.

"So, what primarily motivates human beings? I remember reading in political philosophy last year that, there is this line of thought coined by Herbert Spencer… uh, "survival of the fittest", which signifies the aggression which is inherent in every human…basically it leads to the belief that human kind is essentially individualistic," I paused, "selfish".

Carlisle was raptly listening, concentrating on what I was saying. It was one of the things which never failed to fascinate me about him. In all probability, what I was saying was nothing new to him, but it was his demeanour, his utter politeness and gentleman attitude which really weakened my core to jelly. The fact that he made me feel Important enough to hold his undivided attention.

To my everlasting chagrin, my cheeks flushed.

_Idiot._

"Well, that is only one of the ways of putting it, just one theory. It's really there to explain, or justify the right hand of the spectrum of politics, you know? As against socialism. But there are other thinkers, such as Freud for instance who believed that man's primary motivation is his sexual desire."

"Ah," I said this not being new to me, "well that is totally bogus of course. I mean, everyday decisions we make are not really motivated by our desire for sex, are they?"

_Well, of all the places this discussion could have gone. _

Carlisle gave a twisted smile.

"Well I agree that it's not that extreme, no," he said, thoughtfully analysing me. "But to an extent, I agree that _some_ decisions at least, some core aspects in the mind, which we are not aware of, _are_ motivated in that way."

"Human kind only? Hmm, I wonder what Freud would have made of your kind," I said, returning his smile and hoping it did not look nervous.

He chuckled handsomely.

"I'd say the same thing. Once you have satisfied the bloodlust, the next in line would really be carnal lust."

"It's hard to satisfy you people," I said, shaking my head.

He laughed his velvety, smooth laugh.

_Oh dear, what this man could do to me._

The room fell into a silence which was decidedly not so comfortable.

So I yawned softly.

Carlisle checked the watch on the mantelpiece, and I copied the gesture, only to realize that it was past midnight and had to be up early tomorrow to be at college.

"I should turn in," I began.

Excellent timing really. I didn't like that he was looking at me or rather, _through_ me in a speculative sort of look. I watched as he smoothed his wavy blond hair back with his hand twice, his thoughts clearly not in the room.

He looked so young like this, when he was wearing this casual attire of polo shirt, denims and a pair of Lumberjack shoes. In truth, he was a young man but with the responsibilities of an insanely rich fully mature surgeon who had spent the best part of three and a half centuries saving lives in the ER and the last century raising a pack of teenagers, not to mention all his vampire heritage through the ages. It didn't fit in with the appearance of a gorgeous blond god, with a perfect sculpted body and with excellent dress taste, who looked only a year older than me. Perhaps the only thing which linked him to his extraordinary identity was his silver ring on his left hand bearing the Cullen crest.

I was content like this, just looking at him. And I wasn't just feasting my eyes, I was fully appreciating this man, marvelling at how lucky I was to have found such a precious friend – lucky to even know him at all…

As I rose quietly from my seat, he rose with me and approached me.

"Bella," he began, in his smooth honey-like voice which alone, dazzled me. "If there is anything on your mind, anything at all which you would like to get off your chest, I'm here, so feel free to express it."

His eyes seemed to pierce mine with an intensity which alone was intended to pass on this message.

It was funny, since this made me realize I had been thinking about the same thing for him. The fact was that I hated to see him worried about anything, and wanted to be a comfort to him. However oddly enough, I found myself too preoccupied by other thoughts to ask him what was on his mind.

"Yeah, thanks," I calmly stated, softly. "You too, I mean, if I can help you with anything, just tell me."

But it was the look we were giving each other which spoke of what really was going on in our minds. I still refused to believe that his thoughts were anywhere near what Alice implied last week. But at the moment as I was looking deep into his butterscotch eyes and he looking deeply in mine, in a way which always made my skin erupt in gooseflesh since the first time I saw him, I really felt like nothing could come between what he and I had together, whatever you could call our relationship. It was like we depended on each other, even if all I was was a weak human.

I didn't really expect him to come over and hug me. But nothing would have prepared me for what I felt just then. It was like I was like a copper wire that had just been connected to a battery and a jolt of electric charge whizzed through. In my bones I realized that this embrace was not strictly platonic, even if to the outsider it looked like that. His hands were pressed to my back, one in the middle and the other at the small of my back, and his cool, smooth face against my cheek. I felt a very subtle cool breeze at my neck and I realized he was breathing in my scent. My arms were around his neck, holding him close. I was itching to explore his shoulders, and travel down his arms, but the jolt of electricity fixed me, unmoving, to him. My very skin seemed to vibrate.

Despite the tension, I felt completely malleable to his touch. Even if what he was doing was nerve-wracking at that point, it just felt so - _good_. And he smelled so enticing, it made me quite heady – a scent which was somewhat spicy, with a hint of peppermint (and cinnamon perhaps?), but there was also a trace of medical antiseptic. It was so sophisticated, so - _him_.

And this was just one simple hug.

It was a completely innocent gesture, yet so full of meaning, that I felt a stinging in the corner of my eyes and an uncomfortable lump rose to my throat.

My mind was screaming all sorts of warnings at me.

_I shouldn't __think like this!_

It wasn't like we were doing anything wrong, but it seemed like there was the passing of too much information from this simple gesture of – friendship? That word somehow didn't cover it. Familial love? Nah.

There was much, more to it.

Suffice it to say, its power scared me.

That night heralded the official beginning of a series of dreams. Any original plans of getting into bed and sleeping soundly till morning, evaporated quicker than Alice on a roll with her Porsche.

**AUTHOR'S NOTE**

**Thanks for reading. This is my first story, and an attempt to ship Bella and Carlisle, so please be kind! I am not sure I would continue the story, and that depends on you reviewers. So if you think that the story lacks potential and that I should stop, please tell me**,** but if you like it let me know ;)**

**Constructive criticism is very much appreciated, but please don't flame for no reason, its really quite pointless to do so. **

**About the Characters: **

**I really like the Carlisle as portrayed in the movies ;;)). However, for the purposes of this story I am using Bella as portrayed in the book, the reason being that somehow I found Bella's character as in the movies rather different that how Stephenie Meyer wrote her, and I am more inclined to the Bella in the book. The reason I chose to ship Bella and Carlisle, is that I identify alot with Bella's character, so I'm comfident writing from her perspective; and that Carlisle is my favourite character, along with Edward.**

**Sooo...tell me what you think! ;)  
**


	2. Chapter 2

**Hey everyone! **

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**and the considerable number of readers who have added this story to their story alerts, and who have favourited it. **

**You guys were the primary reason I decided to continue writing this story ;)  
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_**Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight or its characters...I'm just making them do things my way ;)**_

I was a common occurrence lately, that I would lie awake in bed for hours, my mind literally working like computer on overdrive. The best thing about this was that, despite my misgivings at the mess I found myself in, I quite enjoyed fantasizing about Carlisle. The worst was, that the sequence of my thoughts made absolutely no sense whatsoever, such that at one moment I would be chastising Alice at her almost-eagerness for the possible relationship, and at another, my mind would be recollecting memories of the past, such as the one when I first laid eyes on Dr. Carlisle Cullen…

_It was an explosion of thought and emotion as I sat on the gurney in the ER waiting for my doctor to come and pronounce me ready to leave, whilst wishing that Tyler would just stop bellowing "I'm Sorry"s and that the other patients would stop ogling us like we were flash-news. _

_I still couldn't quite collect my thoughts to process what just happened. _

_I was about to be involved in a fatal accident, over which I had absolutely no control, when suddenly I was lying on the icy ground, being supported by a frantic-looking Edward, and staring at a significant palm-sized dent in the side of Tyler's van. I suppose, you could say I saw death literally approaching on wings, as I stood frozen against my truck, watching the Van careen out of control and toward my general direction. When suddenly, wham. Edward's hand smashed into the side literally shoving the van off from potentially squashing me into a pulp. _

_I was still struggling with trying to piece together how he managed to fly across the lot to get to me, not to mention the fact that a collision of such force should have killed him. But no, he just got up, thanks very much and sprang away._

_I honestly was ok, though. Unharmed, thanks to him. It was Edward they should be tending to, not me, the idiots. _

_Just then Charlie, burst through the door and strode purposefully toward my cubicle, his face pale as a sheet. I watched him meaningfully threaten Tyler with suspending his licence, and Tyler's tortured and apologetic expression._

_But I was distracted from this exchange as the ER's double doors opened once again, and watched as a doctor came through. But you wouldn't really have believed him to be a doctor were it not for his white lab coat and the educated elegance with which he comported himself. I never knew doctors could look like super-models. He just looked so _youthful_. _

"_Dr. Cullen," Charlie acknowledged as he approached my cubicle. _

This_ was Dr. Cullen? I recollected Jessica's gossipy commentary as we watched the Cullen kids enter the school canteen on my first day. He looked like he could be Edward's older, more mature brother, not his adoptive dad._

_Try as I might, I couldn't tear my eyes away. I found my thoughts, considering this man before me, as he, flipped through his clipboard, to find my report sheet. _

_What was it with the Cullens which made them look so irresistible?_

"_Isabella," he muttered, more to himself in a smooth voice, which I instantly wanted to listen to again._

"_Bella," I corrected, quietly not wanting to disturb his thought process._

"_Well Bella, it looks like you took quite a spill. How'd you feel?"_

"_Good"._

_I was still avidly staring. This realization though, thankfully made me snap out of it, knowing that staring is rude, and that he was used to and was probably exasperated at nurses drooling over him all day. So I lowered my eyes down, feeling a guilty blush pool in my cheeks._

"_Look here," he said, lightly lifting my chin upwards, holding up a finger and directing his torch-light at my eyes, squinting as he watched my pupils contract, signalling a response to light. _

_His hands are icy cold._

"_You might experience some post-traumatic stress or disorientation but your vitals are good," he concluded. "No signs of any head trauma," he said, addressing Charlie._

"_I think you'll be just fine," he finished, with a very attractive smile._

_I found myself staring again._

Great. At least I can pass this off as disorientation. Hopefully.

_Tyler seemed to find a silent slot to start apologizing again, to which I was thankful seeing that it distracted me. However, it also served to remind me of why I was here in the first place._

"_You know, it would've been a whole lot worse if Edward wasn't there, he knocked me out of the way" I began, watching Dr. Cullen's face closely for a reaction. Maybe he could explain this phenomenon._

_Charlie, eager for some information with regard my almost accident, immediately pounced on this._

"_Edward? Your boy?" he asked the doctor._

_But Dr. Cullen seemed busy with filling in my report sheet with his diagnosis._

"_Yeah, it was amazing," I confirmed, still studying him. "I mean, he got to me so fast, he was nowhere near me."_

"_Sounds like you were very lucky," he answered, his smile more diplomatic, as if that concluded the matter._

_He nodded to Charlie and left._

_The only thing I could feel, apart from confusion at Edward, was a sense of pity that I wouldn't be able to see Dr. Cullen again…_

The shrill sound of my alarm clock jerked me awake unceremoniously, eliciting an incredulous groan from my inner depths. It was seven o'clock in the morning and though I had gone to bed at quite a decent hour last night, I felt as if I had only been asleep for about a couple of hours. I shook my head in disbelief as I crawled out of bed and caught my reflection in the mirror in my room.

My long chestnut hair was tousled standing up in all the wrong places. I supposed that over the past three years my body has changed a bit, but was still the same old me: petite, slender but with hips a bit round, pale skin but brownish pale rather than pinkish pale, which made the current dark circles under my eyes quite prominent. Dark chocolate brown eyes, framed with long lashes stared at me back with the disorientated expression I still had on my face.

I wasn't what you'd call the traditional beautiful woman, in fact I always considered myself rather plain. But overall, I never bothered _too_ much which how I looked. I had however matured in my dress sense and upkeep, as compared to how I was in my high school days.

I guess, after all being the heiress to my late fiancé's fortune had some benefits, the best of which were a better sense of responsibility in organising my affairs, and the least of which I could afford a better wardrobe and a luxuriously furnished room. What pleased me, was the fact that I wasn't dependent on the Cullens. I did my own shopping and had my own money. They did enough for me, as it was.

It wasn't just those things which had changed in the course of the past three years. In fact, I had come to consider my college days as rehab. I was on the mend from what happened back in Forks. Frankly, I was proud with how much I managed to progress. I could now actually think of the place without getting all worked up, or at best sustaining a drop in my blood pressure. I had spent the rest of the summer with the Cullens in Forks, during which we attended to a number of important decisions. Despite my dazed existence back then (for I can't even bring myself to describe myself as a living person in those days), I had been the one to officially unite the Cullens with the Quileute pack, since I was the middle ground and the only human who knows about the situation.

Then came the startling revelation from Carlisle that I was to inherit Edward's possessions, since Edward had left a Will without even telling me about it, which despite my full restoration in health, still evoked in me a faint sense of despair. I had protested vociferously and forcefully against this, having enough guilt on my conscience without this added along. However, the Cullens would have none of it and had insisted that Will or not, they _wanted_ that Edward's stuff be given to me, for my sake, theirs and also Edward's wherever he was.

In the end, I ended up to be the owner of the shiny silver Volvo (which I point –blank refused to ride in for an entire year), the owner of a bank account containing all his money, and all the possessions in his room, his music and furniture, which I had only recently installed in my room, at the Cullen's refurbished Victorian-style house at New Hampshire.

It was a mark of how far I'd come that I was able to put Debussy in his stereo and appreciate Claire de Lune, without breaking down into hysterics.

I could listen to music again. Of whatever type. And lately I have resorted to listening to everything from classical music to alternative rock and everything in between. Nothing liberated my soul better than music.

Carlisle had insisted that I attend Dartmouth College. The deal was that I would start a new life there on campus, with them. He had told me that it was time for them to move on from Forks, since people were really starting to notice their prolonged presence there. Initially, I was desperate to stay. Fear clawed at me from all sides. The fact that I was to be separated from Forks, made me believe that I would forsake Edward and all he left behind for me. I wanted to move on. For him. For Carlisle. He helped me in all the ways a woman can be helped. I wanted to try, for him.

I was just too afraid that I would forget. It is what propelled me to accept staying with them. they were the closest thing I had to a family, after Charlie and Renee.

I knew that I would be plagued by what happened for as long as I lived, and the slightest reminder would possibly result in a relapse. It was only over this past summer that I had truly regained my strength. I can't help feeling somewhat like a load had been taken off my shoulders now that I'd stopped pining for them and expecting them to turn up at any moment of the day or night. Sometimes, I felt guilty and blamed myself that I had managed to put it in my past. I fiercely loved Edward, and fought desperately to keep him present in my mind.

I still wasn't brave enough to look at Elisabeth Masen's ring. I knew precisely where I had tucked it away: in its little black velvet box, at the back of the third drawer in my closet. But I never went as far as fetching it or looking at it.

I procrastinated around my messy room, as I attempted to collect what I needed for an early morning shower before I headed to college. It was one of those mornings when you didn't want to see anyone's face, and you just want to crawl into a dark corner and hide. The weather was dismal once again, and despite the fact that I had come to tolerate the darkness brought about by an overcast sky, it was weather like today's which made you doubt whether it is morning yet or still night-time, which almost made me miss the endless sunshine in Phoenix. I was feeling rather low and confused at myself without really knowing why. It was that time of month, where you'd have to sustain hormone fluctuations like you were some measuring instrument.

At last I had finished dragging on clothes, but one glance at the time told me I was late, and had practically no time for breakfast. So, I headed downstairs hurriedly, planning to go straight out the door and attack the morning traffic straight away. My criminal law lecturer did not tolerate tardiness. On my way down, I caught sight of the black Mercedes parked in the drive. Carlisle had returned from his night shift at the hospital.

He came into view quite unexpectedly as he exited the sitting room, and to my horror, I tripped on the last two steps and had to clutch at the wall for support.

_Genius, Bella._

"Hey," he said, cheerfully. "Watch your step."

He had an amused spark in his eyes.

I smiled in return. And on my way to kitchen, to collect my cell-phone which I had left on charge there, I collided with the doorframe. The _doorframe_. How pathetic can I get?

"Ow!" I exclaimed, more startled than anything else.

Carlisle chuckled.

"Seems like you are not having a good morning!" he joked.

"no," I groaned "here was me thinking my clumsy days are over."

"they'll never be over," he said as he followed me into the kitchen, still that definite humorous undertone in his voice. I knew he was dying to laugh at me. "it's what makes you uniquely you, I wouldn't change that about you, Bella."

He held my gaze a second longer than was strictly necessary.

I cleared my throat and stuffed my cell in my purse.

"Um, I'll see you later," I said, heading to the front door.

"you're not eating anything?"

"I don't have time, I'll be late for college."

"You want me to drive you? Saves you time from looking for parking space, besides, it's not good weather for speeding up," he said gesturing to the charcoal sky which threatened violent rain.

"no, no its fine," I said. "I won't be speeding up anyway, traffic is bound to be horrible at this hour."

I gave him a smile and exited the door.

He winked at me, as he leaned against the doorframe to watch me leave.

"take care."

"yeah, thanks," I replied, as I went down the stairs taking extra care not to miss a step and slide to the ground. That would be beyond mortifying.

As expected, raindrops the size of golf balls began hitting the ground and the Volvo's windshield like grenades, as I inched through traffic. To my horror, the car clock read 7.51am. I was supposed to be seated in class in ten minutes. And I still had a good fifteen minute drive to Dartmouth.

Or twenty, at this rate.

So with nothing to do, I switched on the stereo which automatically began playing my new CD by Muse, and I didn't arrive before four and a half songs later.

As I went to switch off the car heater, I suddenly had a flashback of that very same motion I made years ago when in the passenger seat of this very car, and my hand had accidentally brushed Edward's. A cold rush, had immobilized my arm.

Feeling an oppressive obstruction in my throat at this unexpected recollection, I sprang out the Volvo, my boots-clad feet splashing a puddle.

Frustrated, I crossed the parking lot, my feet squelching in the mud, ruining my boots as I practically jogged to the entrance. The corridors were deserted, the entire student body was now sitting down to lectures, not stomping through halls with drenched hair and clothes, leaving a trail of muddy footprints.

I found the lecture theatre and held my breath as I inched the door open.

I entered meekly and melted down into the first available seat at the back row. It didn't escape my lecturer's attention however, who eyed me from over his spectacles like a hawk. He undeniably resembled Robert De Niro, with a nervous twitch.

After a few seconds of staring me down, just to call the class' attention to my tardiness and dishevelled appearance, he resumed lecturing. He was only still in the introductory part of the lecture, and the subject which he apparently was tackling today, I had read about it a few days ago.

So after spending a considerable time doodling on blank paper, my mind, seeing nothing new to occupy itself with, delved into yet more memories…

_It had to be the most cataclysmic event in my entire life. Merely, recalling it and putting it in words would barely do it justice. For I had learned the meaning of raw pain, and had learned it well. I remember thinking, just a few months ago now, that despite the pain of separation I felt, when the love of my existence left me for my own good, I still was prepared to live, because I knew that somewhere, somehow, he still existed._

_But now, the throbbing excruciation I had felt back then, ought to feel like a needle prick compared to this. _

_He was dead. _

_More precisely, he died to save me. _

_He was always worried that my life would be much better off and safer, without him and his kind in it; but now it seemed that it was more like the other way round; since my weakness had caused his family the loss of two dearly beloved members. _

_I did not deserve to live; and frankly, I couldn't live with myself. For how could I face my entire lifetime, knowing that I owed it to two persons, whom I had loved with all my heart, one of whom, much, much more than I ever thought was humanly possible?_

_I had faced the decision to end my life, if Edward had ever to cease existing. It was not something I really ever thought about doing. But I was significantly nothing without him. At the moment I couldn't think, about any consequences, about how many more people I was liable to hurt by my action. _

_What was odd, and what was eating away at my nerves, was the fact that I couldn't _feel_ anything. I was totally numb. Like the blow I had been dealt had been severe enough to seriously damage my nervous system. I felt nothing, but swirling confusion, disorientation and utter hopelessness. Like the sun had been taken out of the sk__y__. _

_I knew somewhere deep down, that this numbness, this anaesthetic would eventually alleviate, and I would feel the beginning of the pain. The wound, which I knew was bleeding freely, but could not feel it. The very thought of it, scared me senseless. You could say that I was longing for the pain to come out, to face it to deal with it, whatever it made me do. But instead, I had to bear this torture, this loud silence. _

_I stared unseeingly out the glass window at the Cullens' home in Forks. How long has it been now? A week? Two? I had told my dad Charlie what had happened, and he had sympathized. I could not even bear to think of Jacob, severely wounded. Almost everything I held dear was brutally crushed._

_So I spent the entire two weeks locked up at the Cullens' house. I started out by haunting the guest rooms, not feeling strong enough to brave Edward's room. But this feeling of numbness was scaring me._

_I wanted to feel pain._

_I wanted to hurt._

_The frustration made me lie down on the ground soundlessly for days on end, through night-time and day time alike, waiting for any signs of familiar emotion to overcome my dazed state._

_It was like my heart was ripped out._

_I was hollow._

_It is what drove me to Edward's room, in the end. I needed to feel that rush of familiarity with a huge crushing force, washing over me with a wave of incredible pain that I knew had to reside in there somewhere. But there were no such signs as I took in the familiar environment of the black leather sofa, the golden bed, the shelves with the endless amount of CDs on it, the general clutter inside and his scent._

_I wondered how long this aftershock was taking. _

_More time passed, without me even venturing outside his room. Alice and the others brought me food and nourishment. It was a time, I suppose when at least something good had come out of it: Rosalie had apparently took sympathy to me, and had taken it upon herself to look after me. _

_The first few days she just looked at me, her eyes bearing deep inside mine. _

"_I'm sorry," she whispered, one day as she sat next to me on the floor. "all I can say is now I know the difference between losing someone you truly love and losing someone, you only love because of his potential to boost your image."_

_She couldn't meet my eyes._

_I could tell she was referring to her own story, she had told recently._

"_I judged you too quickly, Bella."_

_I just ate because my mechanical mind told me that it's what humans did. I was nowhere near hungry. That month seemed like a matter of a few days to me. Or it could even be years. I lost every sense perception I possessed._

_Charlie called me often on Alice's cell phone. He understood that I needed my time, something which I was immensely thankful for. I didn't need other complications. If I stayed at home, especially in my room, I would probably go crazy. Insanity wasn't what I wanted to feel._

_Even though it had its perks. _

_Those adrenaline rushes which I used to seek had their benefits too._

_I sincerely was starting to doubt whether I had already gone mad. This was so not like me. _

_I was torturing myself in the wrong way. _

_I felt compelled to visit Jacob, to at least be with him in the moment he needed me the most. I went down to La Push frequently, sometimes with Carlisle as he visited Jacob to tend to his wounds; most of the times just falling asleep there on Jacob's couch, or on the rug. _

_After a few silent days, the Cullens went about their business as usual. Alice and Jasper took long hunting trips. Rosalie and Emmett went abroad, and Carlisle immersed himself in work. And work he did. Not only outdoing himself at the hospital (something I was sure would eventually evoke some suspicions in his fellow workers if he kept working like he did without showing an ounce of exhaustion), but also at home, taking care of all of us emotionally, sometimes preparing my meals._

_Often he stopped to talk, concern lining his beautiful face. He would come for me in Edward's room to ask me to come down to have something to eat, then settle down to talk to me about stuff to which I only mechanically answered back._

_I was a robot. More dead than the undead which surrounded me._

_I knew what he was doing. He was in denial. I was sure he was trying to overcome the pain by overworking. But I knew this wasn't working for him. He was only delaying the pain from catching up with him and bring him down to his knees with its accumulated force._

"_Carlisle," I called him, one day as I sat by the stream. Alice had somehow convinced me to get out of Edward's room and smell the outside world. My usual self would have protested to the point of fighting her off, but the curious new me accepted instantly. If went out there, perhaps I could remember. Perhaps I could feel again the torment which I so desperately wanted to feel._

_Needless to say nothing happened._

_Except for the fact that I came across Carlisle as he returned from his hunting trip, with a purposeful human stride. Slow for vampires, but still too fast to be considered a leisurely pace for humans._

_He gave me a deep look as a reaction to my calling him, as he slowly came over to me and settled down by my side._

"_You have to…deal with it," I struggled to get the words out. My voice sounded hoarse, almost like a chain smoker's. "the more you delay it, the worse it will get."_

_He continued to stare at me thoughtfully, grasping the meaning I wanted to convey, probably due to the serious tone in my voice._

"_I am dealing with it, Bella," he replied softly. "It's what I do. It's not in my nature to stop working."_

_I stared at him, trying to make sense of what he was saying._

"_You must be hurting, how can you not be?" I pressed. I needed to clarify this matter. I was sure I wasn't the only one who felt like everything that mattered had been brutally snatched out of my body._

"_I am," he said quietly. "But to stop living and just turn into yourself would be a waste of the life they left behind."_

_He gave me a purposeful look. He then cast his glance to the stream, a thoughtful look on his face._

"_It is only in times like these, times like losing loved ones that we realize how precious it is that we exist. I have had the miracle of being given a second chance at life. It may be a damned life and I won't argue with that. But still it is a life. I can influence and be influenced. I can make a difference, because I want to and because I can have that want, I consider myself lucky."_

"_But Carlisle, I cannot be without him, I won't be without him," I stated, still without a trace of emotion, which sent another ripple of fear through my chest._

"_If you won't then Edward and Esme would have died for nothing," he replied softly, but his words seemed to pierce me through and through. So much so, that I was actually surprised I could feel it. Almost like a paralyzed person had realized he can move a finger._

"_But...he said that to me. He told me…when we were in Italy," I stammered. "That he..couldn't live without me, and he was stronger than me…how can you expect me to live without him?"_

"_It was a rush of passion," he calmly stated. _

_I stared at him so incredulously that he gave me a sad smile._

"_Bella, if you cease to live, it would be nothing more than pure selfishness. Don't take this the wrong way please, but this is how it is. I cannot say that I understand fully how you feel, because your love was quite unlike anything I had seen in a long time. But I can perceive your pain. And by eliminating that pain so crudely, it would be like tending to the need which must be tended to, without using any reason."_

_I must have had a blank look on my face. _

"_What I mean is, it would be purely animalistic. You see, observe nature around you. Animals do whatever they need and feel like doing whenever they want, without catering for what others think, and other animals because they are just like them, won't mind at all."_

_I knew the double meaning he was trying to convey. He nodded at me, knowingly._

"_Just ceasing to exist would hurt others around you, because the others have not chosen that selfish lifestyle. So they would not understand. They would care that you are gone from amongst them forever. You would be reduced to nothing more than that. And their sacrifice would be for nothing. _

"_This, Bella, is what it feels like to control your thirst."_

_This last statement took me so much off guard, it was almost like a slap in the face._

_Controlling your thirst. As in refraining from doing that selfish act of self destruction just to escape your guilt. Throwing away their sacrifice just because you can't face it. _

_I immediately saw what Carlisle meant my animalistic tendencies._

_And it was that moment at which came the strong wave of illumination, which almost made me pass out. _

_I wasn't numb._

_I was at peace._

_I knew Carlisle's argument had resided down inside me. I knew now what kept me from taking the easy way out. It was the deterrent of taking the easy way out itself which kept me alive. I wasn't going to give in to temptation, like Carlisle didn't give in to his intense bloodlust in those crucial few months as a newborn vampire. _

_Though by no means washing away the guilt inside me at what happened, I couldn't help but feel like I was given a mission. A mission to guard jealously the life, _the second chance_, I had been afforded thanks to the sacrifice of two people I dearly loved._

_I marvelled at Carlisle's wisdom._

_And finally, _finally_, the wave of emotion hit home, causing a huge lump in my throat and tears fell endlessly down my face wrenching my heart with a sadness so profound it knocked the breath out of me. _

_I cried for Edward, for the love and life that could have been._

_I mourned Esme, the mother figure, the kind face, the person who loved intensely, whose loss rendered her weak enough to do what I found the strength not to._

_The pain was excruciating._

_Raw and undiluted._

_But there was also relief. I realized it was relief because I felt so tired, so at peace with my mind, that I finally felt the exhaustion of the past days, making that spell of depression a few months ago, pale in comparison._

_Without knowing how I got there, I was being hugged by Carlisle, his soothing hand stroking my hair as I wept silently from the core…_

The whole class was staring at me.

Perhaps it was because Harry Stevens next to me cleared his throat that I clicked back into the present time. Mr Evans was staring at me expectantly, with a raised eyebrow, his expression almost smug.

It was then I realized that I was probably asked something.

I cleared my throat, wishing I could just vanish through a chasm in the floor.

"um, I'm sorry, what was the question?" I mumbled, feebly.

The Robert De Niro look alike, raised both eyebrows.

"I was asking, Miss Swan, what exactly is meant by 'Summary Proceedings'?"

_What_?

My mind drew a blank. I had no idea whatsoever what he was even referring to.

I was going to shake my head apologetically, when it struck me.

"It is when, a criminal case is dealt with in faster proceedings in inferior courts, to save time and expenses from prosecuting with a trial by jury, unless of course the accused objects," I stated, triumphantly. "Oh, and provided the punishment contemplated for the crime does not exceed ten years imprisonment."

_Honestly, I had no idea my mind could retain that much information by merely staring unseeingly at my textbook._

The lecturer nodded, and gave me a threatening look which intended to say "someday I'll get you."

Which was lucky for me, considering that he invariably ended up by throwing at the offending student a snarky remark.

The day went by with a few minor incidents a couple of which were a result of a relapse into my clumsy nature, and finally my last lecture for the day ended, after having to endure an agonizing last five minutes glancing at my watch, which seemed to just refuse to move forward.

I plodded tiredly toward my car, feeling grateful the day was over and that probably no more accidents were liable to happen.

I was about to step in, when –

"Hey, Bella!"

I squeezed my eyes shut patiently, recognizing the voice, and turned around with a smile.

"Harry!"

Harry Stevens was approaching my car, looking nervous.

In all honesty, I was aware of what line this discussion was about to take and I really was not looking forward to more flirting from this guy. He was ok really, very helpful and always seemed to make it a point to be of assistance, whatever it was I needed.

Call it experience if you will, but I could recognize the signs: the flushed face, the nervous stutter, the running of his hands through his jet black hair, and him looking right in my eyes; you didn't need to be a rocket scientist.

Harry Stevens had been dogging my footsteps for the last couple of years at college.

And apparently, he seemed to think that there was no better time than this to let me know.

I tried not to outwardly groan.

_Ok, Bella focus. Better get the whole thing out of the way, then to just suspend it further._

"Um, I was wondering, are you… busy tonight?" he asked

It was Friday night, and I usually took Fridays off from studying, spending time with the others and later with Carlisle. So technically I was not busy. But given the situation as it currently was, and given the conflict inside of me which always seemed to rear its head when I even saw or heard something which reminded me of the doctor, I probably had better just immerse myself in my study work.

However, knowing that doing anything worthwhile with school stuff was practically impossible at the moment, I could use some time away. Who knows, maybe I could even return home thinking straight, for once.

"um, no not really," I replied, as cheerfully as I could. "Friday is my night off."

"Cool, so um, I thought we could probably get some dinner? Uh, not as a date or anything," he added quickly seeing my far-away expression.

"Yeah, why not? thanks, I need the break."

Truth be told, I liked Harry. He was studious and quiet, and I always enjoyed conversations with him. He was quite good-looking, with dark hair and piercing green eyes, and I could recall some fun times we spent at college, especially during my months of depression, when I first started attending Dartmouth. I literally owed him.

To be honest, I didn't know why I was so resistant at the possibility of a relationship with someone new. Lately , it was like, if I realize that someone is taking an interest me I would just about flip. Somehow, I wasn't ready.

And my persistent crush wasn't helping matters along.

_You seriously need to plant your feet in the ground._

We took my Volvo and we headed to a café, which was a few minutes' drive from college and a stone's throw away from the hospital. Harry seemed excited by the whole prospect and kept talking as I drove, apparently about anything which came to his mind. I suppose, if his intentions would just stop at friendship, it would have been a very relaxing time. But I just knew his interest lay elsewhere and frankly I was starting to regret saying yes in the first place.

I didn't want to convey the wrong message to him, and end up hurting him.

I probably didn't make very good company, as I just "hmmed" and "ahhed" as he chattered on, as we ate. I almost sighed with relief, as he finally announced that he should get going to meet his dad.

"Wait, I'll give you a ride," I said as we exited the place, and walked to the Volvo.

"Hey, it's ok, I'm just heading over to the hospital to meet my dad, only a couple of blocks away. Besides, I'll need the exercise."

"What, your dad's at the hospital?"

"Yeah, he works there."

"Oh."

As I reached the car, I did a double take, and froze right there on the pavement.

_No!_

I ran the last few steps and knelt down.

Two flat tyres.

I wasn't going anywhere.

_This is SO not my day._

"Oh, no that's bad luck," Harry muttered.

My cell rang, and knowing that it probably was Alice, who had already seen everything, I omitted from glancing at the number on my cell phone screen and pressed Answer.

"I know, Alice, but I have NO idea how I got _two_ tyre punctures ok? Could you just come pick me up already?"

But it was Carlisle's voice who answered back.

"Yes, in fact I'm on my way right now, I just ended my shift at the hospital I'm almost there."

"But…how?" my voice came out in a squeak.

"Alice cut the matter short and called me asking to pick you up."

I literally could feel my cheeks burning, against the crisp cold air.

"Ok, thanks…um see you."

"I'll wait with you," offered Harry.

"Hey, don't worry about it, he'll soon be here."

"You sure?"

"Yeah, you go ahead."

Just Harry moved to embrace me, I glimpsed out of the corner of my eye, Carlisle's Mercedes pulling up against the sidewalk.

"Take care, Bella and thanks for coming with me."

"Yeah, no problem."

I strode to the Mercedes and got in. Carlisle had already turned on the heating system. The Mercedes smelt enticing, it still held the scent of a new car, which was combined with the luxurious smell of leather, together with his irresistible scent.

He winked at me and gave me his trademark smile.

"Bella, Bella," he said quietly, as he pulled out into the street "what _are_ we going to do with you."

I rested my head back, feeling safe and welcoming the fact that I was with him. He made me feel so relaxed and at peace, but so excited at the same time. I studied at him as he drove.

He commanded the car very differently from how Edward used to, or Alice. The car glided at a smooth, moderate speed, fast, but not excessively so. It was as if the car was an extension of him, made for him and for his style. He was elegantly dressed, even if he was just returning home from work, in shirt, coat and scarf, casually slung around his neck.

I sighed, and turned my gaze out the window, as dark countryside flashed past us.

"I don't think I ever got two flat tyres in my life," I muttered in disbelief. "and to the Volvo no less. I honestly think, that a car best suited for me would be a war tanker."

He chuckled.

"That's a problem easily solved. I've already contacted the nearest tow service. I'll drive you over to pick it up tomorrow."

"Thanks, that's really thoughtful of you."

"Was that Harry Stevens?" came the unexpected question.

"Yeah, he is… you know him?"

"His dad, Peter works as a technician at the hospital. I came to know him rather well, I see him every day. Harry looks a lot like him. So, was this a date?"

Carlisle was really surprising me tonight.

I looked at him with exaggerated disbelief.

"I'll take that as a no, then," he finished, grinning.

"Definitely, not!" I confirmed. "He's just a friend of mine, I'm not interested that way."

"Well, as far as I can see, he is certainly interested in you."

I shook my head.

"I don't want to intrude, but sometimes you have me worried that you might not have moved on yet. Sometimes you seem too drawn into yourself. Don't be afraid to trust you feelings, Bella."

The look in his eyes seemed to convey something else, I wasn't sure what. Though, he had certainly guessed it right when he told me to trust my feelings.

_Wait, he couldn't possibly imply…?_

_No, he can't be referring to that._

"I _have_ moved on," I replied "It's just that…"

I really don't know what possessed me to say what I said next.

"…I love someone else."

_Aargh, you're mad._

Carlisle gave me a questioning look.

"have you spoken?"

"oh yes, often enough," I continued, wishing I could take back what I uttered, "but nothing will happen between us, because … it probably hasn't even crossed his mind."

I shook my head, uttering a mirthless chuckle.

Carlisle only looked at me.

"You can't guess what crosses people's mind, Bella," he said, softly. "Not unless, you are a vampire with Edward's power."

"It doesn't matter," I said, now trying to pretend, this had no significance to me.

But he seemed focused on getting a message across.

"Bella, if it helps, I'd like you to know that you are unique, very wise, very compassionate, you amaze me with your skill of finding compromise between difficult situations and you are very beautiful. I do not understand your hesitation as to why, men wouldn't consider a relationship with you. You are either too hard on yourself, or just stubborn."

We pulled into the drive.

I literally couldn't utter a single word.

"what, I mean to say is, don't hold yourself back. Give in to what you feel. You'll find that, your feelings would be returned."

He exited the car and was instantly at my door to open it for me, before I was even done unplugging my seat belt.

"Thanks," I said , quietly. "for everything."

"You're always welcome," he replied, with a wink.

**Author's Note**

**I hope you like the second chapter and that I have not disappointed you... I should confess that when I started writing this, I had no clue where I would take the story, I just wanted to explore a relationship between Bella and Carlisle, so I wasn't sure if I should continue a plot-less story. So I really appreciate all those who seem to think this story doesn't deserve to be forgotten. The reason I took so long to update (and I apologize) was firstly because it was all so busy round the house with Christmas stuff, secondly because I was busy myself with my studies, (exams are round the corner _), and thirdly purely because I have never written anything in my LIFE (apart from school assignments, which do not really count). All I have are a series of plot bunnies lurking in the shadows of the archive passageways in my brain. Those of you who are writers know how difficult it is to lure them out. But now the story does have some sort of direction, which I am painstakingly developing :). So bear with me a bit, I am a slow updater unfortunately.  
**

**I really have to thank you readers again, for the support you have shown me! I would like to see more constructive criticism on your part, and perhaps also suggestions which you may have regarding my story and what you would like to see in it. **

**I am really inspired by Carnival of Rust by Poets of the Fall (can't seem to stop listening to that song), I think it just suits Bella and Carlisle; and also Undisclosed Desires by Muse.**

**The rest is up to you! pleaseee reviewww ;)  
**


	3. Chapter 3

**A BIG THANKS goes to all my reviewers!! you honestly have no idea how happy you all make me feel :D... especially Mauralee88, Nissa Cullen and Jessicaspiceroxoxo... there are simply too many to mention by name, but my appreciation is there nonetheless... i love ya!** **Thanks also to those who have subscribed to the story...do consider leaving at least a teensy one word review :P**

**This chap does not contain much Carlisle, I just wanted to set the stage for the story. Hope you enjoy it still. so on with the story...**

**Disclaimer: Twilight does NOT belong to me, duh...  
**

Saturday dawned with a case of rare sunshine. It was so unexpected, that as the golden rays played across my face as they peeped through tree leaves outside my window as if wanting to pleasantly surprise me, I couldn't quite discern what they were as they roused me from my sleep. Then, as it finally dawned on me, I literally sprang out of bed, as in contrast to my usual procrastination as I lay awake. I strode to the window in two strides and yanked it open, letting in the fresh, enticing, clean morning air, welcoming the light in and the soft, comforting sounds of the chirping birds in the clear, deep blue sky. I remembered as a child I used to think that in the morning it was like the world would be back fresh from the laundry, smelling all good. It was as if during the night it took a break from pollution.

_Long time, no see_, I muttered to myself as I addressed these pleasant conditions.

I sighed contentedly. It was going to be a nice day when compared to yesterday. I had to go pick up the Volvo from the towing service downtown, and then settle down for some house cleaning; especially my room which seemed like it had been subjected to violent winds. I never was exceptionally orderly, when it came to my things at least. But I always enjoyed taking care of the others and keeping things in order downstairs and in the kitchen (which was solely there for my use). It wasn't that the others needed me to keep things in order, however. No matter how many times I've been into Rosalie's and Alice's rooms, or the rest of the house for that matter, I never once found it messy or disorganized. So usually the most I had to do, was fix my room and its adjacent bathroom (when Alice didn't take it upon herself to clear all my stuff, how she did it so fast, I'll never know), and fix the kitchen.

Carlisle, Alice and Jasper are away, hunting. Rose and Emmett were downstairs, both trying to read, though in Emmett's case, who couldn't really stand sitting down reading, was doing his best to try and royally piss Rosalie off, simply for entertaining himself. I was doing some serious clearing up, organizing school stuff, and doing the laundry. But, not even this could keep thoughts away, as my mind lapsed back to the conversation Carlisle and I had in his car, yesterday. I could be impulsive at times, and blushed as I recalled myself telling him that I'm in love with someone.

But it does not matter, because never in a million years would he guess I was referring to him.

Or would he?

I didn't entirely trust his remark when he told me to trust my feelings. There was something in his eyes, which was too intense to pass it off as casual words of guidance from him.

_Give in to what you feel, you'll find that your feelings will be returned._

What did he mean? I had serious doubts whether he actually tried to imply anything. I was cryptic and had Carlisle been human I would have been positive that he wouldn't interpret me as referring to him. But the whole problem lay in the fact that he wasn't. And he was probably a walking talking lie detector.

Ok, I'm being paranoid. Maybe I'm over-complicating things, and he was just giving me some fatherly advice. No insinuations whatsoever.

_Come ON, Bella why would he insinuate anything? Don't let your overactive imagination run away with you._

_Well, he certainly did not hesitate to compliment me._

_Yes, but that doesn't necessarily _mean_ anything._

I huffed impatiently.

Carlisle couldn't possibly like me in that way.

Talking to myself, that's never a good sign. I guess Alice was right in telling me I should let everything go with the flow. Not that it would actually go anywhere.

But there still was the unavoidable matter that Alice saw the future. So far, to my mind Alice hasn't been wrong once. I cannot for the life of me, understand what could possibly drive Carlisle and me to that situation. And frankly, I couldn't understand the logic of Alice's vision, at all. Usually her visions worked by extrapolating decisions. Almost like you have two lines at an angle drawn on a page, and you would just elongate them until they met at a point. So what decision might I or Carlisle possibly have taken over the course of the last three years which would land us in a relationship? It was true that I had feelings for him, which were now bordering on the obsessive. But that does not mean that I am going to act on those feelings. I always had strict adherence to moral rules, I was not going to slip simply because I was crazy about him. It just wasn't doable that way.

And yet, the pleasure I felt by merely imagining us together was almost unparalleled. The guilt which follows was upsetting to say the least and what was worse was that there really was nothing I could do about it. For how could I atone for something which I hadn't done yet? Nevertheless, with my resolution to stand my ground, I felt confident that the future was in my power and no one else's really.

_It will only happen if you want it to, Bella…_

That's what Alice told me, after confessing my disturbing thoughts, weeks ago.

I wasn't sure of that either. Because even if I went as far as to actually pursue a relationship with him, it really didn't mean _he_ would. Maybe he'll be so disgusted at me, he'll avoid me forever.

The doorbell rang unexpectedly.

I frowned.

Who would possibly come to visit, without prior notice? And why hasn't Alice said something about a visitor?

"Um, Bella?" came Rosalie's uncertain voice from downstairs.

"Yeah?"

"Could you like, answer the door please? I think it's someone for you."

Did she sound nervous?

Who could possibly come to visit _me_?

"Ok, I'll be down in a minute."

I was going over persons I knew in mind, who could possibly come to Hanover to visit me, as I went down the stairs two at a time (an exceptional feat for me), and pulling on a navy hoodie, but none came to mind.

I crossed the foyer and wrenched the door open.

As I set eyes on the person who stood grinning at me a few feet away, I literally couldn't believe my own sight.

My jaw dropped.

Jacob Black was standing there larger than life, his hands stuffed into his pockets, in a nervous posture which was uniquely his.

"Jake?!"

His only response was a chuckle, his face going a deeper russet than usual, his eyes twinkled.

After a few seconds of staring at each other, I bounded down the few steps which led to the drive, ran up to him and sprang into his arms laughing. I actually had to wipe tears of happiness as he twirled me around twice and set me back down.

"Hey," he said, fondly in between chuckles.

"What are you doing here!?"

Jake gave me an indignant look.

"What, I can't visit my best friend?" he said, incredulously, but with that twinkle in his eyes which I loved so much.

I slapped him across his chest.

During my first year at Dartmouth, Jake and I had communicated, with short phone calls every now and then. However busy schedules kept us apart, and Jake had no patience with e-mails. So, we fell out of touch with each other, without either of us planning to.

"Well, you didn't contact me anymore, I thought you had forgotten about me …and anyways what I meant is how did you find me?"

"It wasn't hard," he confirmed, his face twisting into a grin again. "I knew, you were staying at Hanover, and the rest was easy…the stench that's coming out of there has got to reach werewolf senses from miles around". He gestured his head at the open front door to indicate inside the house.

I rolled my eyes, but couldn't keep a persistent grin from my face.

"I MISSED you," I said clutching his arm tighter. "You should have at least told me, you were coming or something…would have given me something to look forward to."

"And ruin the surprise? Nah, I like the way you greeted me," he winked and slightly lifted me up in a hug again.

"Ok, is it just me, or have you _grown_ again?"

Jake took a look at his body and shrugged.

"I guess if you say so, then I have."

"Want to come in?" I asked as I tried to pull him toward the house. "We could talk inside."

But Jake wrinkled his nose at the hallway and raised an eyebrow at me.

"It's only Rose and Emmett in there," I said.

"Yeah, I know Dr. Jaws and the rest went hunting," he replied, still with a disgusted look on his face.

"You know, I wish you would just call them by name, they're very close to me," I said, rolling my eyes, biting back a laugh at Carlisle's new nickname.

"Sure, sure," he stated, patronizingly.

"But, on second thoughts let's just go for a walk. You don't come across weather like today's often."

We took his rented Land Rover and headed to a nearby park, as on the way I recounted how the past three years went for me at Dartmouth, and how I was finding college life.

"So, how are things in Forks and La Push?" I said, as we strolled along a tree-lined pathway in the park.

"Ah, you know, the usual," he said casually, stuffing his hands into the pockets of his grey jacket. "The place hasn't been safer in a really long time, ever since…you know, left with the Cullens. It's like the pack hasn't had anything to do with no bloodsuckers around."

"What, you stopped being a werewolf?"

"Stopped? No, you can't just _stop_; we just patrolled the Quileute areas with Sam, and now sometimes we patrol the borders way almost up to Seattle every now and then. Sometimes we come across a stray nomad, but that's all, really. The place hasn't been this quiet since before the Cullens returned to Forks….I'm the new Alpha now," he said, shrugging.

"You? That figures then…I wasn't just imagining things when I saw how much you've grown!"

He shrugged again. I knew he was reluctant at the whole pack thing, which is why he wasn't so ecstatic about his new role.

"And what about Sam?"

"Sam retired a couple of months ago to stay with Emily. I told you they got married, and now they're expecting a baby. So now he's taken on carpentry, an old family business. It's going well."

"Is it tough? You know, being an alpha and all that?"

"Not really," he replied. "Like I said, there isn't much to do."

"Does Charlie come down often? He doesn't tell me much when he calls. He always wants to know about how my day went, and how I'm managing at College, but other than that he barely says anything about himself."

But Jake was grinning widely.

"Oh, Charlie is doing very well…extremely well," he said.

"How do you mean?" I asked, now curious.

"Well, you know Sue, Harry Clearwater's widow?"

"Hmm," I nodded.

"Well, he's been seeing a _lot_ of her lately," he grinned.

"What, no way," I said, slowing down as if to aid my mind to grasp this weird concept.

My _dad_ was dating?

"Way," said Jake, and waggled his eyebrows in response.

"And he didn't even tell me a thing about it," I complained.

"Well, you know Charlie. Doesn't like to talk about these things much."

I nodded.

"Well, I'm happy for him! At least now he has someone to look after him. I actually felt really guilty abandoning him to fare for himself. He doesn't even know how to prepare a decent meal."

"Yeah, you don't need to worry about that…she practically lives there already! Always there to do his shopping and cleaning and stuff."

We walked in relative silence for a few minutes, but couldn't help noticing that Jake was looking downwards, a furious blush on his cheeks, and biting his lower lip.

I raised an eyebrow. Something was up with him.

"Anything you want to tell me?"

He went redder and his eyes seemed to glaze over, his thoughts leaving the present. It seemed as if he was dying to tell me something, but didn't quite know how to articulate the words. Or perhaps he was hesitant to tell at the same time. Like a huge secret you really want to share with someone.

"It's just that…you know the story I told you about how our kind sorta… imprint?"

"Yes?" I said, slowly.

"Well, it kinda…happened to me," he finished, biting his lip again.

"What, you too?!" I said, in mock outrage. "Who is she?"

"Selena," he said in a hushed voice, his eyes suddenly going soft.

I raised my eyebrows. Things were serious.

"She's Paul's cousin, I met her only last summer on La Push beach. Paul's family came to town and joined us for a bonfire on the beach. From the moment, I looked in her eyes, I knew….you know, it's kinda weird how it happens. It feels suddenly like…like you've known her all your life and know you can't be away from her for long… I don't really know how to explain it, it's a weird feeling.." he trailed off, thoughtfully.

Yes, I certainly knew what he meant when he said you can't be away from the one that you truly love for long. Not without ending up in life threatening situations. I tried not to lapse into that again. So with a considerable effort I turned my attention to the happy news Jake had eagerly delivered to me and focused my energy on congratulating him with all my heart.

"Oh, Jake I feel so happy for you!"

The burst of happiness inside my chest was genuine. Jake was now complete, and he wasn't tearing himself apart because of the feelings he thought he had for me. What made me even happier was the fact that now, I felt that at last I had that claim on him… like he was really my brother…I could talk to him however I liked and could feel comfortable with him, because now his thoughts of me ended with friendship and not romance; and there wasn't any danger of him misinterpreting me.

After Edward died, Jake and I hadn't discussed any further our feelings for each other. Perhaps it was the mark of the strong affection we had for each other that he didn't mention anything about choosing between him or Edward. He let me wallow in my grief, and just did not seek to complicate matters. He was there for me like the true friend he was. I guess, from that moment on, we did not speak again of any possible relationship which could have existed between us. It was as if that choice died with Edward.

Suddenly, I felt that I had found a new best friend all over again. I stopped in my tracks, turned to face him and hugged him. Though the hug he gave me was nothing short of bone crushing. Literally, I had to rub my ribs when he let go.

"I'd really like to meet her! Where is she right now?"

"Well after IT happened, she's staying with Paul. She's now attending Forks High, doing her senior year, she claims that the Quileute res is just too…_tribal_," he finished with a fond grin.

I smiled at him. Though at the mention of Forks High School, I felt my breath cut short. A painful vision of Edward at the school canteen swam in before my eyes, and it literally blinded me for a second. I gasped, the air in my lungs suddenly quite painful. My throat felt constricted once again, as was the custom whenever I remembered him. It was as if, my airway becomes obstructed. It was a contradiction of emotions at the moment. I was torn between feeling all warm and comforted just with Jake's presence, but at the same time couldn't help but equate this with the cold, shallow feeling as it was when Edward had left me after my disastrous 18th birthday, now almost four years ago. So the result was that I was alternating between feeling good with Jake and spiralling downwards in despair. For just because I moved on, doesn't mean I did not get flashbacks or reminders. After all, the trauma of what happened will probably haunt me forever.

But Jake had apparently caught the dark look on my face.

"Hey," he said, nudging my arm. "You ok?"

"Yeah," I said, quietly.

"I'm sorry, you know, for reminding you," he said, seriously. "How've you been holding up?"

"Good," I nodded. "You know, considering it hasn't been that long. But at one time I feel good that I am managing to live my life again, but at exactly the next I feel so guilty at myself for the same reason. It's like I have moved on, but I'm not sure I should do so."

"What, are you kidding? Of course, you should, Bells! If he really loved you, like I think he did, he wouldn't have wanted you to live the rest of your life clinging to nothing! What matters most is that you loved him back, Bella. What he did was his choice."

"I don't think he really had a choice," I said, quietly. "If he did, he'd probably be here right now."

"He always had a choice, he could have run off and left you to fend for yourself. But he didn't, he loved you more than he loved himself. I think you were very lucky to have known and loved someone like him…well apart from the fact that he was a vampire."

I shook my head and smiled at Jake.

Whatever he said always made me feel better.

I decided to change the subject.

"So, you're not attending college or something?"

Jake scoffed.

"Nah, it's not for me… oh right I haven't told you…I got a new garage now, a whole new _mechanic_ business."

His face brightened up considerably.

"You're serious? So you're not just _my_ mechanic now," I joked.

"It's what I wanna do," Jake said. One look at his face, and I could easily see contentment literally oozing out of him. He was quite different from the Jake I remember, the brooding anxious Jake who hated his destiny, who had unstable moods. The Jake who was with me now was more mature, older. Almost as if he was my age.

Of course I will never admit that to him.

"I've been saving up for a long time, and work had increased in my old garage at home. Until Billy told me one day to get my own bigger garage to expand my business. So, with what I had saved and with a little help from him I managed to get a good place, it's quite big. I'm telling you business is booming…at this rate we'll be putting old Dowling out of business and no pressure."

"Wow," I said.

"Yeah…so since I opened my place it seems like every mechanical problem in La Push and the surrounding areas, is finding its way to me… it's nothing personal against Dowling, but if he hopes to compete he'd better reduce those prices."

"So what do you do exactly? You just fix cars?"

"Well, mainly that, yeah," he said. "Though we take on other things as well like building cars from scratch, like I did with the Rabbit and we also rebuild spare parts and sell them, sometimes with some modifications to fit new models, you know?

"Mhm, sounds great. You thought up a name for your garage yet?"

"Everyone calls it Jake's or Jake's garage…but really I wanted to call it Black's Scrap Metal or something like that, it sounds cool," he admitted in between chuckles.

I laughed.

"Childish!" I commented, shaking my head at him. "And you wanted to outgrow me, please."

Jake laughed.

"What IS it with you and age? I suppose you don't need reminding that out of the two of us…you're the one still at school, and I'm the one with my very own business…"

I rolled my eyes.

"Yeah, right, keep on dreaming. I'll get older than you anyway the more time passes. The wolf in you just keeps you young."

"Which reminds me…you're staying human now, right?"

He said this rather hopefully, but without any real conviction. I felt his eyes analyse my face closely.

I immediately felt myself sober up again and sighed.

"To tell you the truth, I haven't thought about it anymore," I said, shrugging. "Ever since, Edward's been gone, I guess I saw no point in living forever. I owe my mortal life to him, but no further. Sometimes it sort of feels like I'm caught in the middle…you know, like on the one hand I don't want to leave the Cullens, don't want to grow older but on the other hand, I just see no point in being immortal when I have no one to share it with, you know what I mean? Everything is just so confusing, that I decided not to think about it yet…at least till after I graduate."

When I decided to be brave and face my life after Carlisle's speech back by the stream in Forks, I had made up my mind not to become a vampire, that it was enough to suffer one lifetime without Edward. But the confusion started once again ever since I realized I like Carlisle. I know that a relationship with him is improbable and highly unlikely, but something about him made me doubt my resolution at staying human. Somehow, it is worth facing eternity, if it meant belonging with him. Even as a mere part of his coven. Or just as added protection to them. Maybe, who knows, I find that I have some sort of special talent which I can put to good use.

There was also another pressing matter, which my mind just refused to consider. The Volturi, perhaps even as we speak, were considering my fate, now that Edward is dead, and hence not about to convert me into an immortal. I was just so afraid that sooner or later they might catch up with us. Caius did not seem too eager at letting us go that day in Volterra, and he did make it clear they were not offering second chances. And Aro…well let's just say he struck me as the type who always gets what he wants. So I supposed, whether I liked to or not, I had better ask Carlisle to just transform me, before Aro and the rest got to me first and harmed the Cullens. I would not live with that. After all, I didn't really have any choice in the matter. Once you get involved with the supernatural, there was no going back.

The whole matter of my transformation however seemed far off and distant, despite the fact that I would be graduating in June. It's like I was trying to escape the impending decision.

Almost like I was waiting for something else to resolve itself first.

I knew what it was deep down, but I couldn't even admit it to myself.

"Penny for your thoughts?" Jake's voice penetrated my dark thoughts like a ray of sunshine breaking stormy clouds.

"Hmm? No nothing…" I said, shaking the matter off like it was nothing. I had become quite the expert disguising my preoccupied silence…ever since I started living with them I learnt to cater for their sharp senses.

I successfully managed to shrug the matter out of my mind once more, willing to make the most of my time with Jake, since he would be leaving first thing tomorrow.


	4. Chapter 4

**Hi! I'm back lol. You'd probably like to vent your frustrations in the most Victoria-ish way at the ridiculously long time I took to update. I'm kinda hoping the chapter makes up for it! I write to absolve my sins ;)**

**THANKS to my reviewers and subscribers! please note that I haven't in fact forgotten you guys. It's just that my life has been nothing short of crazy these past months with law exams and court practice. Honestly, it's a miracle I even managed to update at all...so I'm really ecstatic that I once again found the time and the muse to do so!**

**That being said, Eclipse was by far the best out of the three movies! I loved it as well as its soundtrack.**

**Down to business. Please tell me what you think...love it, hate it, bored you to hell...I wanna know!**

**_Disclaimer: I am obviously not Stephenie Meyer_**

_It would be easy to assume that being a vampire with infinite time on your hands would guarantee you alone time as often as you would require. But if you were to have a rudimentary understanding of how my life, if you could call it that, progressed, you would come to understand that in fact such precious time is quite difficult to come by. Being a doctor in the ER and leader of a coven takes up the entirety of my time. _

_So it would be moments like these, these rare instances, unexpected slots in my busy schedule, which I would welcome and revel in as I seek to collect my thoughts which seemed to be rather mixed up lately._

_The other coven members, who I consider my family, are off on an early morning hunt, and Bella is upstairs, still asleep from their night out yesterday. So I find myself alone, on the balcony just off the conservatory, having not denied myself the pleasure of stepping into a pool of sunshine. Something I have not done for a long time. _

_The warmth of early sunshine coupled with a fresh breeze seemed soothing on my marble skin, which despite its firmness was capable of high sensitivity to the surroundings… much like us vampires were for that matter. And for a moment I felt at peace with the world and with what it had to offer, glad once again, that I was blessed enough or indeed, damned, to be enjoying such simple pleasures; and it was at that moment that I delved into the unexpected turns my life, our lives, were taking and this even when we were living with someone who could predict the future. _

_I never imagined that I would be without Edward, when he has been the oldest member of my family._

_And if you had told me I would lose my wife, I would never have believed you._

_The one solid, dependable thing in my life was snatched away from me. I wasn't even prepared for it._

_But it is not to say that I have not moved on from their loss. After all, I'm the one looked up to. I'm the constant in their lives. If I had to cease to be, it would be the end of this coven. And at this point I wonder, if they would resume our philosophy if they had to branch out in their own separate lifestyles. Would they give in to their bloodlust? Twisted by curiosity? I'm inclined to believe that they will hold true to our beliefs._

_More than that, in the three years Bella has been living with us, she hasn't once mentioned to me her desire to become one of us. _

_By that I mean, an immortal. I do not wish it on her by any means, and God forbid she would take it into her head to start compelling me to take her life. _

_But I guess, Bella has changed over the past 3 years, which is the only clue we have to how much time has really passed from Esme and Edward's deaths. I had almost forgotten how much a human can change over such a short space of time. _

_The Bella I knew in Forks as compared to the Bella I came to know are two different persons. I'd say not completely, but different. In a good way._

_Her stubbornness, though still there, has matured into intelligence. And she has grown sort of diplomatic. She has always been responsible, but now it seems like it has bloomed out of her, giving her the grace of a woman, not a young teenage girl. She is someone, though still bereaved from the loss of her love, seems to want to try her hand at life and see where it takes her. The once, straightforward yet somewhat insecure girl from Forks, had now matured into a lady with a deep character and level headed judgement. And I would describe her as shrouded in mystery, if I had not been living with her._

_She seems more comfortable with who she is and how she looks like. Indeed, I might say she is more mature than the others. _

_It was all this which gives her, her appeal. _

_It was what made her an attractive, sophisticated young woman._

_And it was precisely the reason why I seemed to dwell on her rather often these days. _

I stirred my aching limbs as sunrays peeped through clouds and fell across my face, as I emerged out of the daze of sleep. The light was too bright for my tired and slightly stinging eyes, so I rolled over dragging the pillow next to me and burying my head as deep as it would allow without suffocating. Groaning, I tried to summon back the peaceful darkness I had been slumbering in like a few minutes ago, and hating the fact that it was already morning. But it seemed that a hangover had set in, and a dull headache was pounding my head vengefully, paying me back for all the alcohol I had consumed the other night.

With that thought, memories of the night before came flooding in and I groaned unwittingly. Last night had been nothing short of crazy. After I saw Jake off, Rosalie and Alice descended on me like a couple of wild vampires that they were and insisted on a night on the town which we hadn't done in quite a long time now. It was precisely the reason why I accepted, not wanting to be a party pooper. We hit the town in the Porsche and Rosalie's red convertible BMW and went bar hopping, Emmett making sure we entered every pub and nightclub in existence. It was fun, I admit when I thought back of the reluctance I felt as Alice basically dolled me up until I looked satisfactory in her eyes. Honestly, I no longer bothered to protest. I did this a number of times with them in the past couple of years, but not as frequently as to render it something of a custom; and every-time we went out, it was fun and I was endlessly amused by the antics of Jasper and Emmett as they did the most outrageous moves on the dance-floor, entirely stealing the scene. And this not to mention the frenetic driving through the town which easily made us the centre of attraction anywhere we went. In all honesty, I have no idea how they never end up being chased by cops for over speeding.

I invariably got exasperated, when either of them decided I should try out some Vodka shooters or some sordid alcoholic cocktail. Apparently they got a kick out of watching me drink until I started to talk nonsense. Emmett insists that I talk in the most obscene language when I'm intoxicated. Something, which I'm not sure I believe. Perhaps I only went along with it because I was a bit curious to see what it meant to drunk. Now that I know, I'm not planning to do so again anytime soon. I guess we returned home soon after, vaguely remembering myself tottering upstairs carrying my shoes and purse like a zombie.

After a night like that, I usually didn't get up till late morning, and this was one of those mornings. In truth it was only 9.30, but considering the fact that I was used to getting up at six thirty, I considered this a late hour. My head still felt heavy despite my rest, and not to mention my feet were aching, having endured an entire evening in ultra high stilettos, and the pain seemed to stretch on to my calves, shins and the back of my knees.

Making a mental note to hide those pair of killer shoes first chance I got, I yawned and stretched, thankful that I had a day off before me, in which I could do what I liked. Perhaps I'll get down to some studying in the evening, though. This weekend had passed without me so much as touching a text book. But then, I couldn't really bring myself to regret it. I hadn't had such a good weekend in a long time.

As I made my way downstairs to the kitchen, which held the promise of strong black coffee, I froze like a deer in headlights as my eyes fell on the veranda just off the conservatory. A shirtless Carlisle, wearing only a pair of charcoal dress pants stood out there with his back to me leaning slightly on the railings, apparently lost in thought. It was one of those moments, when you would feel your very skin erupt in goose bumps, slight anxiety would constrict in your chest and you would feel wrong-footed, exactly like the feeling I used to get when I was little and did something wrong which I didn't want Mom to know about. Instinct took over and I started wondering where the hell everyone was this morning. It was that feeling, where you want to run away as fast as possible, but at the same time you're rooted to the spot, totally transfixed.

My eyes however refused to look at anything else, but at the vision of a perfect chiseled ivory torso, the very image of an ideal male anatomy structure, standing in a ray of sunshine. The dress pants he was wearing hung on his lean waist perfectly, most probably specifically tailored for him. His shoulders were broad, exactly within proportion to his height. His jewel-encrusted skin, something I have never seen with such detail on Carlisle, was giving off tiny flecks of gold light. It was literally, a heavenly sight, like I was seeing an angel floating out there on the veranda.

You might think that I would have gotten used to it by now.

After all, it's not like I've never seen a shirtless male before. The truth was, that while I had seen both Edward and Jacob shirtless, something about Carlisle was somehow _different_;perhaps it was because he was a male who was physically fully developed.

_Ok just keep going! Move!_

But my feet seemed to be firmly planted in the ground. My mind was urging me to just move away from where I was, the very least to give the man some privacy. But some alien, instinct kept me rooted to the very spot.

To my horror, Carlisle turned around, seemingly having sensed my presence, and his face seemed to light up as he smiled.

_Great_. _Now he knows you were drooling shamelessly just because he was _shirtless.

"Bella," he turned around completely and walked inside.

"Hey," I answered, my voice still thick from lack of use and hoarse after all that drinking. "Morning."

I felt somewhat disconcerted as he walked inside rather slowly, and reached for his pale blue shirt hanging at the back of a chair within arm's reach. His eyes seemed to never leave my face as he slowly put on his shirt, buttoned it up and rolled up his sleeves.

I literally wasn't sure where I was supposed to look, as I witnessed him dressing up. To my embarrassment, a part of me still was incredibly drawn to his torso, but a more rational part incited me to look up and meet his eyes.

Which was altogether a bad idea, since that infamous twinkle of his in his golden eyes always made me nervous.

So I settled the matter by looking sideways and smoothing my hair back, a gesture I had picked up from Jake when he was under pressure. I felt very self conscious as I glanced at my shorts and T-shirt PJs and my bare legs.

"Good morning," he grinned as he proceeded forward. "I gather last night was fun, to put it mildly?"

I gave him an incredulous look in response and he chuckled.

"I feel like I haven't slept in _weeks_," I protested. "It was ok though, you should have come with us."

"Ah Bella, I think you know that I share _your_ taste in partying and not the others'."

"Which gives you the luxury of being able to choose…. I don't," I groaned as I remembered how Alice practically dragged me about yesterday, completely deaf to my remonstrations.

He winked at me and indicated I follow him to the kitchen.

He guided me to the breakfast table and pulled out a chair for me.

"Hey where are the others?" I began.

"They're off on an early morning hunt. Emmett insists that deer taste that much better when hunted for in the wee hours of the day." Carlisle was answering as he breezed around the kitchen, sometimes his outline blurring as he rushed to fix me a cup of much desired coffee.

"I thought Alice and Jasper already hunted though?" I replied, remembering yesterday while I was out with Jake.

"Yeah, but they decided to join Rose and Emmett," he replied. "What say you I'd prepare you breakfast? I know the remedy for hangovers."

He smiled my favourite smile, dazzling me again.

Honestly, sometimes I think he does it on purpose to see me ogle him like an idiot.

"Yeah I'm sure you do," I replied with a smile. "Thanks."

Coffee was ready in a heartbeat. Somehow he just knew exactly what I needed: black, strong with loads of sugar.

He settled opposite me on the other side of the breakfast table.

"I don't even remember changing and getting into bed," I admitted with a chuckle. "I'm certainly not drinking again, that's for sure."

But Carlisle gave me a twisted grin.

"all I can say is, I'm glad you're choosing a career in law and not as a country singer," he answered.

I gave him a weird look.

"How do y-…. No way!" I exclaimed in horror, as my mind processed the implications of what he was saying.

"Yes, you _were _particularly loud in your Johnny Cash rendition, and somewhat off-key, I might add."

Carlisle laughed softly at my stricken face.

I probably went beet red, when I recollected that the last venue for the night had been at a Country and Western Pub, at Jasper's insistence. His infectious mood had probably influenced me more due to my inebriated state and I vaguely remembered him and me singing along, or rather, bawling country songs of his choice.

"So that's probably why he sneaked off hunting this morning… Coward! Well, he's not getting off that easily."

I shook my head, torn between amusement and mortification.

A silence fell between us as our eyes met. The golden depths of his pupils seemed bottomless and full with a variety of emotions, which if I'd try to interpret it would probably take days.

Sometimes I couldn't understand why his gaze penetrated me so deeply.

It was one of those instances of silent communication, which before this whole Alice vision dilemma I used to enjoy intensely, since it signified that we understood each other, and that we were on common turf. United together by tragedy.

Now I was not so sure anymore.

I looked down to my half-finished coffee-cup, to disguise my guilty look.

"You know," he began, "Why don't you take a shower whilst I prepare you something to eat? It'll be a while before I finish."

"I probably smell awful," I said sheepishly, suddenly self conscious again, recalling his acute sense of smell.

"Well aside from the cigarette smoke particles in your hair which are decidedly strong smelling, you smell fine," he answered "I merely observe that you still look rather tired and a refreshing wash would make you feel better, trust me."

I met his eyes again.

"Yeah," I answered, simply. I actually _was _looking forward to a bath, I felt rather messy next to him.

We both stood up simultaneously, and at that moment a weird sensation gripped me as instinct seemed to take over in the strangest of way: for at that moment I pictured myself leaning over the counter and kissing him intimately on his lips to show appreciation.

I almost whacked myself on the head.

_You seriously need to get a grip._

But doing so just seemed so _natural._

I shook my head in confusion and made my way out of the kitchen, before I could embarrass myself.

My mind was still too sluggish to comprehend my actions, and I didn't feel like entering into a labyrinthine maze of thoughts that concerned my supposed future relationship with Carlisle. So I settled with a nice shower, taking care to lather my hair thoroughly to be rid of the pungent cigarette smell, which I had picked up last night from the pubs and clubs.

By the time I was ready from putting on a pair of jeans and blouse and combing my damp hair, having descended back to the kitchen, Carlisle was just about ready.

I froze at the kitchen entrance, as I scanned the continental breakfast on the table: a plate containing butter-egg on toast, blueberry muffins, orange juice, tea and cinnamon biscuits and a fruit platter.

"Whoa, Carlisle, I know you can cook, but I think you might have forgotten how to calculate a portion for one!"

He insisted I eat everything however, suddenly going into doctor mode in expressing concern that I seemed malnourished.

As I ate slowly, I recounted Jake's visit. He seemed very interested in what was happening with the pack and expressed relief when I told him that Forks hasn't been safer in a long time.

Our conversation was cut short when the others called us from the entrance, to signify their return from their hunt. Alice and Rosalie came into the kitchen first, engaged in an animated discussion apparently concerning clothes.

"Hey Bella," Alice greeted me as she and Rosalie sat at my either side on the kitchen table.

I soon learnt from them that they were planning on going to see the Phantom of the Opera at the theatre that evening. I guess it wasn't so bad, being a lover of music and opera myself.

Carlisle had also agreed to come with us.

In fact without knowing, I realized he was going to escort me, since the two of us were the only ones without dates.

I wasn't sure whether I should be suspicious of Alice on this matter. It just seemed too contrived all of a sudden. Mind you, I _was_ glad she didn't think of me as some kind of pervert for being attracted to Carlisle, but I didn't account for the other extreme really. I mean, I never would have imagined her being so enthusiastic over the matter. Not that any of this was her doing of course. Carlisle and I just somehow grew closer to each other over the time I've been living with them.

I realised with some shock however that Rose and Emmett had no clue about the whole situation. A feeling of dread seeped through my stomach as I sat at my desk later that day sifting through some notes. What if this negatively affects my relationship with them? Alice and Jasper might approve of it, but if I am to understand correctly, Rose and Emmett were still in the dark. What if I jeopardise my somewhat of a flimsy friendship with Rosalie? Her and me were getting along well; not as close as I was with Alice, but nonetheless, a much better relationship than we had back in Forks while I was with Edward. It seemed that the fact that I had not mentioned the issue of my transformation to them again, had softened Rosalie toward me, not to mention the sympathy she had offered me for my loss.

So what happens now?

_Bella, you're thinking too much again. There is NOTHING between you and Carlisle, so this isn't even an issue. _

The day breezed past before I could get a grip on it, and it was time to get ready for the Opera.

Perhaps it was because I didn't argue about going, or perhaps it was because she wanted to make sure I don't chicken out, but Alice did not pester me too much over clothing. She seemed content with letting me select a simple black evening gown on my own. She dealt with hair and makeup in the quickest time possible and soon had me ready.

Still, I couldn't deny she did a great job as I observed myself in a full length mirror. It was really amazing what a stylish black dress could do. There wasn't even any need to put on jewellery.

Alice and Rosalie looked stunning. No surprises there. Alice with her champagne off the shoulder dress made of floaty material and Rosalie in a spectacular bronze-coloured dress which ended just above her knee.

I had been saying over and over to myself in a mantra that being Carlisle's date meant absolutely nothing at all. But I may as well have addressed the wall for all the effect it had. So I found myself descending the stairs to the foyer to meet the boys following Alice and Rose, my hands sweaty as I gripped my clutch bag, my heart doing a nervous drum roll in my chest.

How I manage to get myself pulled into these situations I'll never know.

All three of them looked very handsome in their tuxedos. But I really only had eyes for one. Jasper and Emmett were debating something, but Carlisle seemed to be in the process of fixing his cuff-links in the full length mirror in the hallway.

Nevertheless all three turned to greet us as we approached them.

"Ah why is it that men spend half their lives waiting for women?" began Emmett, as he greeted Rosalie.

"Well that's because you just can't live without us!" quipped Rosalie as she pecked Emmett on the cheek and turned to inspect herself in the mirror.

Alice and Jasper squeezed each other, Jasper with an adoring look on his face.

Which left me feeling so awkward, I wasn't sure how to act.

Carlisle however seemed unaffected as he offered me his arm in greeting.

"Very pretty," was all he said, with that heartbreaking smile of his.

But the strength of our communication as always, seemed to lie in the eyes and not speech. It seemed we lingered at each other's faces longer than was strictly necessary, but I recovered first as I led him to the front door, all too aware of four sets of eyes observing us.

I caught a certain look on Alice and Jasper's face, which did nothing to strengthen my resolve.

I rode with Carlisle in his Mercedes, Alice and Jasper seated at the back. Rose and Emmett had taken Rose's car.

I soon settled down my nerves the moment we sat down at the theatre as the Opera began. The rich velvety music echoed acoustically around the hall, sending shivers down my spine. It was at that moment I felt extremely fulfilled in my life, being accompanied with the people I held dear. And Carlisle's presence despite it invariably being nerve-wracking was soothing at that point. Like nothing bad can ever happen again in my life.

Christine and Raoul chose that moment to begin the opening notes to _All I Ask of You_:

_No more talk__  
of darkness,__  
Forget these__  
wide-eyed fears.__  
I'm here,__  
__nothing can harm you -__  
my words will__  
warm and calm you._

Raoul's words seemed to reach straight into my heart.

_Let me be__  
your freedom,__  
let daylight__  
dry -your tears.__  
I'm here,__  
with you, beside you,__  
to guard you__  
and to guide you ._

How was it that sometimes a song seemed to be written to echo what your heart was feeling? Or is it just the mind which conjures the likeness? However, the chorus of "love me…..that's all I ask of you…" seemed to evoke a sense of intense emotion in me. I suddenly felt aware of my surroundings and that I was sitting just too close to Carlisle.

_You're being stupid. Childish and stupid._

The Opera seemed to drag along far longer than I was expecting. My mind was swirling with all kinds of thoughts. I was claimed again with a feeling of trepidation, and profound guilt during out car ride back to our house.

In all honestly, I didn't know why I was putting myself through all of this. The guilt I could understand though. Carlisle was a gentleman with excellent manners. I should not misinterpret his courteous gestures as ones of interest. I chided myself over this, feeling quite pathetic at the fact that I couldn't even distinguish his motivations.

The point was that it seemed like I was falling in too deep and way too fast.

There was also the undeniable guilt which took the shape of Edward's face just after I kissed Jacob that day on the mountain. A burst of pain shot through my heart.

_What the hell is the matter with you? How could you do this to Edward?_

Once again, I barely remembered how I got upstairs, into my room and out of the evening gown, but tonight it was for very different reasons than last night. I managed to pass off my sober look as one of exhaustion and excused myself before they could ask any further.

The room seemed to slowly revolve around me as I lay face up in bed. I was aware of a stinging sensation at the corner of my eyes which often signalled the presence of tears. But I was slowly losing consciousness, the depths of the abyss of sleep calling me down….

…_..The anticipation was palpable in the air. It was as if, you were expecting the world to prepare for its final curtain call, in a dramatic fade out. This, complete with a drum roll, reverberating in my chest as I watched intently as Edward fought Victoria with every inch of his ability. i could barely make out their moves as they attacked and defended at vampire speed; so much so, that it was almost like witnessing some sort of tornado, the colors blurred together as one._

_Seth had just disposed of what remained of the newborn, she had put mercilessly to her use; and was looking pleased with himself. However, I could not tear my eyes away from the death dance taking place a few yards away from where I was standing. My eyes, were getting used to the blurs, and I was avidly watching, as if by doing so, I was strengthening Edward, giving hi more protection from the lethal monster who was intent at getting her back at us. It was as if, if I looked away, Edward would lose concentration. And I felt, It was of vital importance to follow each and every movement , because as long as I was watching no harm could come to him. Hope radiated out of me as I looked on, barely realizing that I was holding myself in a way which was not quite so different with how I used to, when I felt that huge hole in my chest._

_The pain of parting._

_I was confident, that Edward was on top. He had Victoria well and truly cornered. She had no hope of winning._

_So his sudden shout of "Seth, take Bella and run!" didn't quite fit in with what I was expecting out of the battle. I merely stared blankly as he continued to weave, skillfully dodging Victoria, with ever ounce of energy he possessed._

_It was soon to be over….right?_

_So why was he ordering me away?_

"_Seth….NOW, please," came his tortured voice._

"_no," I muttered, so confused , I was starting to believe this was all just a dream. "Edward, I'm staying here, it will all be over soon…"_

_I wasn't sure if it was him or myself, I was consoling._

_All that mattered is that I remained watching him, till the very end. Till his triumphant exclamation at finally having rid us of her._

_But apparently it was not to be._

_Seth was about to pick me up._

"_NO," I repeated defiantly, as I attempted to fight him off._

_But the werewolf had apparently a better sense of what Edward had in mind, and my strongest effort against him practically useless, he threw me over his back in less than a heartbeat. Which was saying something, given that the drum-roll in my chest had now reached the peak. Before I could even open my mouth to argue, Seth had set off out of the clearing and into the trees._

_A panicked frenzy suddenly overtook. I desperately wanted to see him, desperately wanted him to give me his crooked smile, showing amusement at my stupid anxiety. Giving me that look, which was enough to melt all my troubles away._

_I felt so out of touch with reality, I barely felt the werewolf's powerful body beneath mine as he surged through the forest at breakneck speed._

"_Seth…is it over?"_

_I was pleading. I was trying with all my might to understand why we were running like bats out of hell, through the forest and presumably toward the place where the others were battling with an army of newborns._

_But Seth didn't seem to see it fit to even nod his head._

_Stupid wolves._

_Upon arriving, it was a scene of complete chaos. Here and there were various pyres; acrid smoke ensuing from them, with a heavy scent of incense. The battle was still taking place, but as far as I could see, all the Cullens were confident in what they were doing, as were the pack._

_I could see Rosalie deftly battling two young women single-handedly; Emmett manhandling three male newborns at once, Alice barely visible as she breezed here and there, leaving a trace of vampire body parts in her wake; Jasper whose expert style of fighting, made him a very intimidating opponent; Carlisle and Esme seemed to be fighting defensively rather than attacking like the rest._

_The pack were finishing what remained of the newborns, and victory was in sight._

_Jacob had instantly appeared at my side, his wolf eyes an unfathomable expression in them. This stirred within me a sense of despair._

_Why wasn't anyone rejoicing?_

_I was soon answered._

_Everyone was too distracted with their respective battles to notice a pair of gleaming red eyes emerge from the blackness of the forest._

_At first they seemed disembodied, as they watched the progress before them._

_My first conscious thoughts struck fear in me, thinking of the Volturi._

_But in my hearts of hearts, I knew it wasn't them._

_For the pair of eyes were looking hungrily in my direction, showing a look of deep satisfaction._

_They came forward, and as the body materialized into the light, revealing a cruelly smug feline face, framed by a mass of fiery orange hair which seemed to crackle with an electric triumph; I felt my stomach clench with nausea._

_For her presence here could only mean one thing._

_Seth and Jacob growled, their hackles rising. But remained at my side._

_Everything seemed to be happening in a dream-like state. The fire from the various pyres, smoked on in slow-motion, as nameless shadows flitted around the clearing. I didn't care ifr they were friend or foe._

_All I cared about was the tall figure, still partially shrouded in darkness, just opposite._

_My head refused to believe the implications._

_My eyes refused to register the column of smoke which was visible over the tree tops at a distance, from where Seth and I had come earlier._

_I didn't even mind the pain which was like a stab of a dagger right through my heart._

_I wasn't even aware that my knees were shaking so violently they were barely able to hold me upright._

_What I could register, was Esme's stricken face, as she took in the same sight I was beholding. I knew that she had arrived at the same unavoidable conclusion. What came next I will never forget for the rest of my life._

_The momentary lapse in Esme's concentration catered enough time for her opponents to deal her a fatal blow._

_It was over before I even realized what happened._

_With a furious roar, Jacob leapt forward, him, Paul and Leah rounding on Victoria, before she could react. Victoria was there and then a mass of white stone parts on the ground._

_Sam finished the few newborns which still remained._

_The bloody moon shone down on the deserted battle field littered with bodies; a putrid smell of incense shrouding everything._

_The vampires and the werewolves roamed about like lost souls._

_In my haze and the excruciation, I could register Carlisle who had descended on his knees, his face portraying pure torture, which confirmed what I had been suppressing n my depths._

_It was the last straw._

_My world darkened into nothingness._


End file.
